Daily Stories on Divorce & Family Law

Susan Pease Gadoua

Examiner.com

It wasn't that long ago that spouses fought fervently over who would get the house in a divorce. Not only was it usually the greatest asset a couple shared, but it represented safety, security and a sense of home and stability for the children. Divorce rates are down, not because people are happier (in fact, I dare say it's quite the opposite), they simply can't afford to divorce right now. Many couples are unhappily co-habitating in the same space out of necessity.

For those who can afford to dissolve their marriages, something very interesting is happening: couples are arguing that their spouse should get the house! Or they are both only too happy to sell the nest. This is particularly true in the hardest hit areas of the country such as parts of Michigan, Nevada, Arizona, Florida, New York and, of course, California.

Source: http://www.examiner.com/x-23260-SF-Divorce-Examiner~y2009m11d20-And-you-can-have-the-house

GERALD J. ROBINSON

New Jersey News Room

Almost half of all marriages end in divorce. And divorce usually does heavy financial damage. A substantial reduction of joint wealth accompanies the splitting up of property in a divorce. Then there's the draining cost of an additional residence and everything from furniture to furnishings that have to be replicated in a separate residence. On top of this, of course, there's legal fees and the drain of alimony and child support.

Disputes over money often create the animosity and tensions that are precursors to bitter marital discord leading to divorce. Can pre-marital money talk help avoid such potentially costly disputes? Definitely – if honestly and seriously carried on. The first and perhaps most difficult step is simply to talk about money, and talk honestly and seriously.

Source: http://www.newjerseynewsroom.com/economy/talking-about-money-beforehand-can-save-your-marriage

Dennis O'Brien

Suburban Journals

Managing a blended family poses new challenges to adults who have formed their expectations and acquired their parenting skills in a traditional family. Here are some suggestions about how to do it successfully.

Make nurturing your marital relationship a top priority, right from the start. Doing so is realistic and healthy, not selfish. Intimacy is certainly best for you and your spouse in the short run, and in the long run, a stable marriage will better serve your children than a well-intentioned campaign to develop instant rapport with the stepchildren.

Source: http://suburbanjournals.stltoday.com/articles/2009/11/18/west/opinion/1118wc_famatters0.txt

Barbara Bartlein

WalletPop

The honeymoon has been over for a long time and in spite of your best efforts, the marriage is too. As you and your spouse approach the legal, financial and emotional issues of getting divorced, you can save a lot of money by working together.

Yes, I know, "If we could work together we wouldn't be getting divorced." But sometimes when people aren't trying to make the marriage work anymore, they can approach problems and discussions under a new light. And it is critical. Divorce is very expensive and can have a long term impact on a family's finances.

Source: http://www.walletpop.com/blog/2009/11/17/5-strategies-to-saving-money-in-a-divorce/

Lisa Belkin

The New York Times

Working Mother Magazine published a package of articles on Tuesday called "Lost Custody" about the new reality of divorce and child custody for working mothers. It is filled with tales of women who were the primary earners in a marriage, and who watched their husbands gain primary physical custody of their children when the marriage ended.

There are now 2.2 million divorced women in the United States who do not have primary physical custody of their children, and an estimated 50 percent of fathers who seek such custody in a disputed divorce are granted it.

Source: http://parenting.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/11/17/more-fathers-getting-custody-in-divorce/

Trisha Freitag

Suburban Journals

I don't know about you, but I've been thinking about Thanksgiving and Christmas dinners the past few weeks. Soon we'll have to discuss who will bring what to the meal, what time we'll eat, where it will be hosted and a million other details. Do we cook a turkey, ham or both? How about a non-traditional meal? Are we using refrigerator rolls or is Oma making homemade yeast ones? Who is making what kind of pies? Are we even having pies this year? Which cranberry sauce are we eating - jellied or the kind made from boiling the berries and adding sugar?

I've also been preparing to make gifts for family members; pajamas are a tradition, wrapped in a handcrafted pillowcase. Who likes what? Which colors are good for this person but not so great for that one? Do I make the ladies' nightgowns or lounge pants and long sleeved T-shirts? What colors will I use for the pillowcases? What am I thinking, taking this on at such a late date, in spite of my promises last year to start earlier?

Source: http://suburbanjournals.stltoday.com/articles/2009/11/17/stcharles/opinion/1118stc-opsh0.txt

Susan Pease Gadoua

Examiner.com

Whether parents stay together or split, if there is fighting going on between them, the children will suffer. Most "pro-marriage" factions will try to tell you that divorce hurts children. Judith Wallerstein (a local Marin-based therapist) did some of the greatest misleading in her research and subsequent book entitled, The Legacy of Divorce.

Many people took her findings to heart that divorce harms children - not just in the short term but for many years to come. Without going into the obvious flaws that have already been exposed in her work, I will suffice it to say that any longitudinal study on families like this can't possibly yield accurate results because you have no way to compare these families to the alternative.

Source: http://www.examiner.com/x-23260-SF-Divorce-Examiner~y2009m11d15-Marriage-and-divorce-rude-awakening-5-Kids-suffer-when-parents-fight-not-necessarily-from-divorce

Geoff Liesik

Deseret News

A woman has filed a federal lawsuit against a Utah telecommunications company over text-message records she claims were improperly released and then made public by her estranged husband. The suit, filed Thursday by Ashley Heather Crow in U.S. District Court, alleges violations of the Stored Communications Act by Strata Networks, her husband, Justin Crow, and a family-owned business where he works as vice president.

In a 17-page complaint, Ashley Crow claims Justin Crow requested a record of the text messages sent from and received by her cell phone. The phone, according to the lawsuit, is tied to a corporate account that belongs to Outback Rental and Landscape Supplies, where Justin Crow is vice president. Still, Ashley Crow maintains that the phone was intended for her personal use, not for company business. The Vernal woman also claims she never gave Strata Networks permission to release text-message records for the phone to her estranged husband.

Source: http://www.deseretnews.com/article/705344306/Text-message-records-lead-to-suit.html

Sam Margulies PhD

Psychology Today

You have been unhappy with your marriage for years. And for the last two or three years you have been thinking about divorce, even fantasizing what life would be like if you were free. You have distanced from your spouse and have been in separate bedrooms for a year. Although there is civil dialogue between you there is no warmth and an occasional flare-up in which whatever the issue, it gets pushed down rather than resolved.

For the past year the only thing that has held you in the marriage is your guilt about the children but you have been working on that with your counselor. And you have finally reached a decision. Even with all its disadvantages and all the dislocation and problems it will cause you have determined to get a divorce. So now all that is left is to tell your spouse. (From this point on to make the writing easier I am going to treat the divorcing spouse as the wife. As about three quarters of divorces are initiated by women it is not unrealistic to do so.)

Source: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/divorce-grownups/200911/telling-your-spouse-you-want-divorce

Loughmiller Higgins

24-7PressRelease

Child visitation schedules entered upon a divorce define the rights of the child to visitation with the non-custodial parent. As a practical matter, however, divorced couples need to be flexible when handling visitation issues. Unexpected work requirements, spontaneous child activities, illness, vacations and other demands will often leave one or both spouses concluding that strict adherence to the established visitation schedule is too rigid.

The visitation schedule might be thought of as a game plan, and one that needs to be somewhat flexible in order to accommodate unanticipated demands. Divorced spouses should work together whenever possible to ensure that the spirit, if not the letter of the visitation arrangement is upheld. This may mean on occasion changing the visitation day, moving the visitation hours, deferring visitation to accommodate a vacation or altering the visitation terms to permit visitation reasonably consistent with the schedule's intent to occur.

Source: http://www.24-7pressrelease.com/press-release/tips-on-managing-child-visitation-difficulties-with-an-exspouse-124457.php

Donna F. Ferber

Single Parent Gossip

Thanksgiving marks the official beginning of the holiday season. Although usually less fraught with anxiety than Christmas, if it is the first “big holiday” since your estrangement from your spouse, you may be dreading the day. It also may be your first holiday without your children. Going through a divorce can give you the perfect “excuse” to break with tradition and forge your own way of celebrating. Spending the holiday home by yourself watching videos and eating Chinese take-out (yes, they are open on Thanksgiving) may be just what you need to do!

Another idea is to prepare a complete Thanksgiving dinner for yourself with you favorite foods. Set the table with linen and candles and put on music you like. Enjoy the day celebrating by yourself. Divorce gives you the opportunity to listen to what you want and what works for you. It can be a time of loss of traditions, but it also can signal liberation from those traditions, rituals, and obligations that no longer have meaning for you.

Source: http://www.singleparentgossip.com/1200/practical-advice/surviving-thanksgiving-alone/

Tresa Baldas

Law.com

Divorce lawyers have found a new smoking gun to wave around in court: text messages. Infidelity, bad parenting or threats -- you name the issue in marital disputes, family law attorneys say, and the evidence can be found in text messages sent over hand-held gadgets.

The unfaithful, in particular, are paying a high price for their salacious messages. "In the sixties, we had private investigators bursting into hotel rooms to catch cheating spouses," said Paul Talbert of New York's Chemtob Moss Forman & Talbert. "Now it's simply as easy as taking a BlackBerry or phone off the dresser."

Source: http://www.law.com/jsp/legaltechnology/pubArticleLT.jsp?id=1202435342658&pos=ataglance 

Jeanna Bryner

MSNBC

A cancer diagnosis can strain any relationship. But when a woman gets news of a life-threatening illness, her husband is six times more likely to leave her than if the tables were turned and the man got the bad news, according to new research. The study included diagnoses of both cancer and multiple sclerosis and found an overall divorce rate of nearly 12 percent, which is similar to that found in the normal population.

But when the researchers looked at gender differences, they found the rate was nearly 21 percent when women were the patients compared with about 3 percent when men got the life-threatening diagnosis. The researchers suggest men are less able to commit, on the spot, to being caregivers to a sick partner, while women are better at assuming such home and family responsibilities.

Source: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/33832513/ns/health-cancer/

Richard Hoffman

TheAlternativePress.com

You’re in the final stages of your divorce negotiations. The attorneys for both sides are busy drafting a property settlement and divorce agreement that will legally bind the actions of you and your (soon to be) ex-spouse for many years to come. This is a very emotional time for both parties and, in their haste to complete the process, it is not unusual that certain legal issues are vaguely addressed or, in some cases, omitted in their entirety. Just ask anyone who has been through the process and you will be hard pressed to find someone who did not experience some post-divorce issues not covered by their agreement.

The remedies to these omissions depend upon the relationship (or lack thereof) of the divorcing parties. The "amicable parties" can usually find common ground and mutually agree to correct unaddressed problems or issues. "Warring parties" may have no other choice but to live within the terms of their agreements or pursue legal means to correct or clarify their issues.

Source: http://thealternativepress.com/column-financial.asp?COL=guest&ID=955

Andrew Ryan and Shelley Murphy

The Boston Globe

In Massachusetts, marriage really still does mean until death do you part -- even after divorce. The Supreme Judicial Court today rejected a push to stop most alimony payments when someone reaches retirement age. The decision, which came in the divorce case of a former federal magistrate and state judge, noted that alimony payments can be lowered or, in some cases, cut off to reflect a person's actual income after retirement.

However, Associate Justice Ralph D. Gants wrote in the decision that a spouse paying alimony "may be expected temporarily to postpone retirement or to find part-time work to help the recipient spouse weather difficult financial circumstances." The court rejected the argument that its decision gives a former spouse "veto power" that could prevent their ex from ever retiring.

Source: http://www.boston.com/news/local/breaking_news/2009/11/sjc_retirement.html

Paula Bisacre

The Washington Times

Some stepfamily experts say it takes seven years for a stepfamily to blend. As I approach my seven-year anniversary, I have to agree.  I've had plenty of time to think about something as obvious as the change in our children's birth order and its effects, yet the thought that my oldest son had become a middle child smacked me in the face one recent night, and it really stung. I lamented that my oldest child had gotten lost in the shuffle and my stepson, who had gone from being the youngest to being in the middle, had gotten misplaced in the deck, too.

With my intelligence analysis roots driving me once again, I had to find out more about how remarried parents can help their children through the effects of changing birth orders. There certainly is no lack of resources on birth order, or as psychologist Kevin Leman puts it in "The New Birth Order Book," "the science of understanding your place in the family line." I thought I had been sensitive to the fact that my son would no longer be the first in the family to experience great events, such as proms and graduations. The spotlight would no longer shine first on him like it did when he had crawled, walked or got on his first school bus. And my stepson, who had always had the attention that often comes with being the youngest, would no longer be the child for whom there would be an emotional final graduation party.

Source: http://washingtontimes.com/news/2009/nov/08/remarriage-blending-families-alters-birth-orders/

Darla Atlas

The Dallas Morning News

I used to have the standard cellphone ringtone. You know the one: the little melody that keeps going up in octaves, like it's happily climbing stairs. But in mid-September, when my marriage was suddenly over, I put my phone on vibrate. At that moment I was in a public place and didn't want to hear it going off every few minutes.

But now, I can't even imagine going back to the happy stair climber. When I hear someone else's phone ring with that tune, it's jarring. It almost hurts. Because it's a reminder of Before, when what I'm living now is After. That's not the only change I've made. I had to go buy a few new shirts and pants, because when I looked at my old stuff – the clothes I wore when I thought nothing was wrong – they filled me with dread. I've changed my shoes, the curtains in the bedroom, the curtains in the living room. I now wear my hair straight every day instead of naturally curly. These are all superficial changes, but somehow they're helping me cope with the very deep change.

Source: http://www.dallasnews.com/sharedcontent/dws/fea/columnists/datlas/stories/DN-life--darla_06brf.ART.State.Edition1.4b818d4.html

Terri Russell

KOLOTV.com

Loss of job, furloughs, even pay cuts, all are possibilities during this down economy. What you may not realize, those dramatic changes in income may prompt a divorced man or woman to go back to court and get a change in alimony payments set down in the divorce decree. Even here in Nevada a divorced couple can find itself back in court after several years looking at ways to lower or even increase those alimony payments.

“We look at the length of the marriage, to determine how long the alimony should be. And if there is still alimony to be paid, we look at the financial ability of the paying person to pay more alimony and the financial need, if she's has more need she has a basis to modify, which the court will modify depending upon a combination of those three factors,” says Jonathan King. King has been a focusing on family law for the last 30-years here locally. He says every three years a divorced couple can, if they choose, review and modify child support--revisiting alimony can happen at anytime. "Alimony is always fair game," says King, that is if its part of the original divorce decree.

Source: http://www.kolotv.com/home/headlines/69001572.html

Reuters

FORT LAUDERDALE, Fla., Nov. 3 /PRNewswire/ -- In the age of digital communications, there now are three sides to every divorce story: His, hers, and what's being stored by the phone company.

Digital communications, like email, instant messaging and increasingly text messaging using a wireless phone, has opened new lines of communication between people. This includes couples facing divorce. While email and IM are commonly used, most should be wary of texting. Why? Many people who text often will message their spouse, friends or even a lover with whom they're having an affair, revealing intentions, intimate details and negotiation strategies.

Source: http://www.reuters.com/article/pressRelease/idUS187839+03-Nov-2009+PRN20091103

Sam Margulies

Psychology Today

On many occasions I have written about the issue of mutuality in divorce. In few cases do both partners reach the decision to divorce at the same time. Invariably, one of the partners, perhaps the one with a lower pain threshold, decides that she just can't live with the marriage any longer, and notwithstanding all the loss and dislocation of divorce, decides that it would be better than continuing the marriage. Although the initiator can be and frequently is the husband, it is the wife in about seventy five percent of divorces who initiates the ending of the marriage. The non-initiating spouse may be close behind and may quickly agree that divorce is the best option. Or, he may be resistant, arguing that the marriage can be salvaged if only they try one more time and a little harder. In some cases the non-initiator is completely thunderstruck arguing that they have an acceptable marriage and is she out of her mind to want to put the family through a divorce?

The issue of mutuality is very important because the way it is managed generally determines whether the divorce will be amicable or bitter. As I have explored the reasons for this elsewhere I won't go into depth here.

Source: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/divorce-grownups/200911/the-six-signals-divorce