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138 Crescent Avenue
Sausalito,
California
94965
Phone: 415-887-9942
Cell Phone: 415-710-1708
Fax: 415-889-5669
316 3rd Avenue
San Francisco,
California
94118
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Qualifications of Henry Koltys, Child Custody Expert
Henry Koltys has over 30 years of legal experience and 21 years of parenting experience. As a child custody expert, divorce coach, collaborative divorce mediator, a former judge and trial attorney, Henry has mediated hundreds of cases so is very familiar with family law conflicts and paths to resolution. As a former judge, Henry knows how judges think so has a good idea as to how the facts and the law of each case will be analyzed and what the possible outcomes would be if parents are not in agreement and do not resolve custody issues. Henry limits his practice to mediation, consulting, and coaching, so does not represent parties in court or practice family law in California.
In addition to being a member of numerous bar associations, he is a member of the International Academy of Collaborative Professionals, an interdisciplinary, international association of professionals whose collaborative practice reduces the level of conflict between separating and divorcing couples. Henry limits his practice to mediation and coaching so does not represent parties in court or practice family law in California. Henry is also a trained Court Appointed Special Advocate (CASA) guardian ad litem, representing neglected and abused children who are removed from their parents.
In addition to his mediation, coaching, negotiation, and settlement experience, Henry has an educational background in mediation, counseling and guidance, and Alternative Dispute Resolution through his graduate and post-graduate education and numerous continuing legal education workshops. He is very skilled at coaching, guiding, and using non-defensive approaches with even the most difficult personalities. His years of experience and training combine to present a great bedside manner so clients feel comfortable confiding in him. They trust him to provide wise counsel and sound guidance within equitable and workable solutions.
Henry is particularly adept at working with couples in medium or high conflict cases to resolve custody, financial, and property issues. Based upon the agreed resolution determined by the parties, he crafts property agreements that accurately reflect the intention of the parties. He creates detailed custody agreements and co-parenting plans that ensure the children are protected during the difficult time of separation and divorce. Henry mediates both independently or with a therapist co-mediator, occasionally using a multi-disciplinary team approach with therapists, attorneys, or financial specialists representing each party.
Henry is Chair of the Sophia Foundation, a non-profit organization helping children and families in transition. Through Sophia, he is donating KidsFirst! custody and parenting software to family law courts around the country. Henry presents workshops for family law professionals on how to diffuse and resolve complex issues around separation and dissolution. His most recent workshop was held in San Francisco on February 3, 2007, with family law attorneys (including Certified Family Law Specialists) and therapists (PhDs, MFTs and LCSWs) in attendance.
Legal and Physical Custody in the Best Interests of the Child
Sharing legal and physical custody is more than words and signatures on a court paper – it is a promise to your child, a promise made by both parents, that they agree to work together and create a safe, stable, and loving home life for the child in both parent’s homes. Custody is about sharing decisions involving the health, education, and welfare of your child. These are the decisions that will result in his feeling happy, secure, and loved. To arrive at this place will require lots of patience, understanding, and work, perhaps for the first time in your life as a parent. The law and family law judges favor joint custody unless there is a reason that sharing custody would not be in the best interests of the child.
When you collaborate, share decision-making, and consider the opinions and feelings of the other parent, your child will always come first. During separation and divorce, parents (and attorneys) often attempt to attack and win or at least gain some advantage over the other parent. When this happens, the child is the real loser. Since kids have a great sense of fairness, they often side with the parent who is being attacked. Remember, too, that your child will imitate how you act, treating you and others this way now and later in life. So if you attempt to criticize, control or punish the other parent, think again because your child may adopt your behavior. If he does imitate your negative behavior it may hurt him for the rest of his life in all relationships – personal, school or work.
Keeping alive the child-parent-family connection for the children is one of the most important responsibilities a parent can have during and after a divorce. This does not mean creating or supporting false hopes that their parents will get back together. It means making sure that the child remains in contact with the other parent, children, and family members. Maintaining and strengthening these family bonds helps a child become comfortable with his new home and new life.
Make suggestions or create projects that comfort your child and give him or her a feeling of still having a family, even though the family is now separated. For example, if the child is missing the other parent you could suggest that the child draw a picture or send a note to that parent. There is no reason to wait for Father’s Day or Mother’s Day or their birthdays to reinforce the child/parent connection. If the child is sad at times, suggest a memory album with photos, tickets, flyers and stories about the good times in the child’s present life. Reviewing this album will help bring comfort and security whenever your child is feeling low. These and other ideas demonstrate how a parent can act as a responsible custodial parent.
The biggest problems or fear that children of divorce face include: (1) loss of family and familiar home life; (2) anger at one or both parents for causing the loss; (3) helplessness and frustration at not being able to change the situation or return to the old life; (4) watching or hearing parents fight; and (5) responsibility for causing the break-up of the marriage or relationship. Therefore, it is critical that a parent understands and sympathizes with the child’s feelings and worries. If you think about custody decisions from your child’s viewpoint, a world that has been so quickly and totally changed, you will make the right decision. Your role as the adult is to help your child through this time so that he will not be hurt by the emotional confusion in his life.
Creating Collaborative Custody Agreements and Parenting Plans
There is no need to create more problems between parents and waste money with lawyers at the same time. The frustration and errors of do-it-yourself are also not helpful. Henry can help you navigate the confusion and challenges of custody, parenting and court without harming your kids or destroying your relationship with your kids or with the other parent.
A custody agreement usually deals with issues about legal and physical custody of the child, such as health, education, housing, and co-parenting schedules. A parenting plan deals with those issues in more detail plus many other issues such as religion, communication, safety, travel, childcare/daycare, drugs/alcohol, and approved sports/activities.
Where to start? Consider making an agreement with the goal of protecting your child from issues that should not and do not concern him, whether about the separation or divorce. In this way, your child is not forced to take sides.
Do you both agree that your child is your first priority who needs to be protected against fighting over him or fighting around him? Great!! Then both parents also should agree to collaborate around decisions that will deeply affect your child for life. Collaborate means more than to cooperate, it means to actively work together towards a common goal which in this case is to put your kids first.
Know that you have the opportunity to make a huge and positive difference in the lives of your child – if your words and actions follow the agreements you make in your parenting plan. Remember that many children may be very sensitive or full of fear or feel overwhelmed during these changing times. Providing children with the information they absolutely need to know will make them feel safer than if they are bombarded with everything that is going on or has happened in the past.
Put aside your frustrations, anger, jealousy or other bad feelings you may have about the other parent or your relationship or your life in general and think about your kids first. Remember that they are not property to be used as bargaining chips, like the house or the car. If you have a good or even great relationship with the other parent, keep going! Life is hard enough without making it harder on your kids by fighting about issues that will not be important in the long run.
Henry is the legal expert behind KidsFirst! software that helps parents collaborate to create custody agreements and parenting plans. Nationally-recognized family law experts such as attorneys, therapists, mediators, and custody evaluators have reviewed and endorsed KidsFirst! as a way to protect children and promote positive communication between the parents. Clients who license KidsFirst! receive expert counseling and advice to help them get to resolution without conflict. KidsFirst! is a collaborative tool for custody and parenting that provides calendars with history tracking, behavior evaluations, child contracts, divorce forms, and even a “Safe Child Plan.” To learn more see www.kids-first.com.
Protecting Your Child From Your Own Anger
Before you talk about the other parent to your child, look into his or her eyes and remember what it was like when you were that age. Place yourself into your child’s heart and feel how that child wants to love both of you. Know that your child wants so badly to be loved by both of you, without being forced to choose sides. Then practice out loud what you want to say to your child – if you “listen” with her heart you will know whether your anger, frustration and disappointment at the other parent comes through. If it does, your child may be emotionally harmed now and perhaps for life.
Parenting together is the unspoken agreement we make with our partner or spouse when we both decide to have children and become parents. Having been children ourselves, we know that parents who cooperate and share responsibility are acting in the best interests of the child. We also know that when parents refuse to cooperate and fail to agree on how to raise a child, it is the child who ultimately suffers.
Even though your relationship with the other parent has changed, there is no reason to end the spirit of cooperation and teamwork that worked so well in the past. If your relationship has always been difficult, this is the time for learning and improvement. Although your family no longer lives together after you separate or divorce, you are still a family, you are still parents, and your children still need your parenting and love free of conflict. In fact, even after our children are eighteen and so‑called adults they still look to us for advice, support and help – so we continue to honor our agreement because parenting together is what they need, what they deserve, and what is right.
Before deciding who does what and when regarding the children, know that the agreements that you make are not cast in stone but can and will change over time. Why? Because nothing remains the same – people change, feelings change, situations change, lives change, and life itself changes. Parenting works best when each parent remains open to change and expects nothing and nobody to stay the same. Smart parents are flexible in their response to change – thinking of solutions before criticizing something new.
What all this means is to expect the unexpected! While you may plan to be with your son on his birthday, that may change when you have to work or your mother is sick. You may find that you have more time available to you and may want to trade for a day or weekend that you missed. So remember that your willingness to cooperate sets an example and allows you to take the lead in a positive way. Your example creates a non-threatening opportunity, allowing the other parent to cooperate in an equally positive way. When both parents cooperate, remain flexible, and are willing to adapt, accommodate and change, everything eventually works out – and your kids will always come first!
Collaborative Parenting Avoids Conflict and Trauma
Collaborate means more than to cooperate – it means to actively work together towards a common goal, which in this case is to put your kids first. Both parents must agree to work together, co-parenting your child in ways that protect her emotional and physical health. You really have only one chance – so why not do it right the first time?
Your child must not only survive but must thrive during this scary time of change. If you do not protect her from the trauma of your separation, divorce, and custody, she may well carry these feelings and perspectives into future relationships, perhaps for a lifetime. To avoid this outcome, both parents must make a commitment to keep your child safe and shielded from disagreements. Each parent must acknowledge to oneself and to the other parent that the emotional and physical health of your child is your first priority. If she sees emotions, rules, places and people change every day or hour, or sees one or both parents arguing or refusing to cooperate and collaborate, your child may feel unsafe and may suffer significantly.
Both parents must always remember to do and say what is necessary in order to make your child feel safe, welcome, and not guilty or responsible for the split-up or about being with one parent or the other. Remember, your child views both parents through their words and actions. Both parents’ ability to demonstrate positive support and concern about her sharing time with the other parent protects all family members and family relationships.
Why Divorce is like a Death
Henry’s philosophy is straightforward: “Death, divorce, and separation are the three most stressful events in life, according to psychological research, so couples or families who break up receive a triple blow since a break-up is really a death. Those involved need to acknowledge this death and work through issues around grief, loss, responsibility, and guilt, whether through self-help such as reading and taking time to reflect or with trained professionals in group or individual therapy. Separation or divorce can be a tremendous opportunity for positive change, personal growth, and even transformation, freeing an individual to obtain peace of mind and mindfulness when forming new relationships.” Oftentimes couples are locked in a high conflict posture with resulting hurt feelings and deep anger that can not be resolved without understanding the true sources of conflict that may include childhood and pre-relationship issues. Collaborative mediation can help resolve these conflicts and maintain important family and business relationships.
Visit Henry’s websites at www.mediation4resolution.com and www.kids-first.com 
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