Divorce is very difficult, and the financial and emotional costs can be devastating. One of the best predictors of a better divorce outcome is the couple's knowledge and understanding of their options. Many people do not fully educate themselves prior to beginning the proceedings; either because they do not want the divorce, they are hurt and overwhelmed, or that they believe that they understand what is expected. The result is that they often make decisions without fully understanding the consequences, including the potential damage that those decisions will have on their own lives and the lives of their children.

Proper advance planning will help couples better manage all aspects of their divorce; emotional, financial, spiritual, physical, and legal.

1. Emotional (Behavioral) and Spiritual Components

Couples divorce for a multitude of reasons. At the core of these reasons is the fact that something has emotionally or behaviorally shifted between them to the point that the relationship has irretrievably broken down. This shift is seen as dysfunctional to the health of the marriage because it has the power to cause the marriage to end. Some examples of behaviors that cause dysfunctional shifts include; emotional detachment, affairs and substance abuse.

Another set of emotions and behaviors that occurs in all divorces are the feelings and actions activated by the divorce itself. Couples do not always agree that the marriage is terminal, nor do they always view their problems in the same light. The result is that they often begin the divorce process with very different agendas. One person may be shocked and angry and believe that the other has to pay for all the hurts they have caused, while the other person may be ready to move on with his/her life and just want to get the divorce finished as quickly as possible.

The force that drives all divorces is the set of emotional agendas and behaviors that caused the divorce in the first place. If these are allowed to escalate during the divorce proceedings, the costs and consequences to the family can be devastating. High conflict couples, especially, need a process that can help contain their emotions and enable them to work more collaboratively through the process. Statistics show that couples who have learned how to properly handle their emotional divorce experience are better able to manage the financial and legal tasks inherent in every divorce.

2. Financial, Physical, and Legal Components

Even though couples divorce for a variety of reasons, the actual divorce proceedings are standardized. These proceedings result in a legally binding contract called a Marital Settlement Agreement (MSA). There are six specific tasks that must be accomplished in order to fulfill the legal and financial requirements of the MSA (note there is no requirement that the emotional issues be addressed).

The Six Standard Tasks

1. An Initial Filing begins the legal proceedings, and once served on the other party, activates an automatic restraining order on both parties
2. A Temporary Plan or Order is discussed with regard to property, expenses, support and the children, pending the final agreement
3. The Disclosure of assets and liabilities, and the division of property
4. The Disclosure of income and expenses, and the creation of a Spousal and Child Support Plan
5. The Parenting Plan which designates the legal and physical custody of minor children and the time they spend with each parent
6. The finalization of the Marital Settlement Agreement which is subject to court approval and not final until at least 6 months after the initial filing has been served

How the couple wants to address each of these tasks will determine their divorce experience and the workability of the MSA. There are only two primary processes from which they can choose.

The Two Divorce Processes: Litigation and ADR

The two processes for obtaining a divorce are Litigation and Alternative Dispute Resolution (ADR). A common misconception between the two is that one will get you a 'proper' or legitimate divorce and the other won't. This is not true because both processes have to accomplish the same standard six tasks, both use the same standardized forms, and both result in a court-approved MSA. The differences lie in the methodology; one is adversarial/hostile and the other collaborative.

1. Litigation

Litigation uses an adversarial process. This means that the two parties are pitted against each other as enemies and they have to compete or fight with each other to resolve their issues. This raises the level of hostility and negativity that may already exist between the couple. At the same time the process asks them to make joint decisions about their future, their money and their children. The couple is directed in this process by two adversarial attorneys who use experts, paid for by each side, to develop a case against the other. These cases are then argued in court and, after many hearings and delays, the judge renders a final decision.

The litigation process has many drawbacks for divorcing families. It fosters hostility and negativity between the couple, separates children from their parents, and drains families financially as they pay for one expert after another to testify against each other. Statistics show that of the 1 million children each year that experience their parents' divorce, 65% will never develop a good post-divorce relationship with their father and 30% will have a poor post-divorce relationship with their mother.

Another limitation is the court system itself. Family Courts are over-crowded and judges have very little time to review cases or research the accuracy of the information. Therefore, they are not really in a position to decide which side is right, but the system still calls upon them to make a decision. As a result, they make quick decisions based in part on their own judgments known as "judicial discretion" and the information they have in front of them. Many times these decisions are unworkable - that is why couples often leave court hearings confused and upset. Many judges agree that litigation is not the best process families should use for divorces.

2 Alternative Dispute Resolutions

Alternative Dispute Resolution (ADR) uses a collaborative or "working-together" approach. The six standard tasks are accomplished by the couple working closely with divorce professionals who help them manage their differences, address their concerns, contain their hostilities, and find solutions to their problems. In this approach the court system is avoided, along with all its pitfalls.

The collaborative approach does not foster hostility, but rather aims at preserving a working relationship between the couple, no matter how tentative. It views problems as issues that need to be addressed, not weapons to be used against each other. Therefore, conflicts between the couple deescalate more quickly. This process also produces more workable and realistic agreements because the couples themselves have assisted with the logistics and the terms. The result is that couples experience a higher level of satisfaction during and after their divorce.

by Wendy Gregson, MS, LMFT and Peter B. Wiere