You've decided to seek a divorce. Your nerves are frayed; the in-laws are asking pointed questions; the children are beginning to act up in all-too-transparent ways; and your pleasantness is in the midst of an earthshaking landslide. What can you do? Clearly, you can hire legal advice. But who? Here's a checklist of reasons why working with a trained mediator can often help:

1. It costs less.

When both spouses meet with one divorce mediator they can share the cost, which is commonly $1,000 to $5,000 total. If the spouses were to retain separate attorneys to represent them in the divorce, each would be paying a retainer of about $1,500 just to get started.

2. You have control.

In divorce mediation the couple controls how quickly or slowly decisions are made, when the divorce petition is filed, and what the terms of the divorce will be in the Marital Settlement Agreement. Each step is by agreement, in contrast to the adversarial process where attorneys set court dates and judges make decisions with very limited time and information.

3. Paperwork is done for you.

Many people try to do their own divorces these days, but run into difficulty trying to understand the laws and the complex paperwork involved. A mediator will write a Memorandum of Understanding detailing your divorce agreement. This memorandum can be taken to an attorney who will convert it to a legal document and file it with the court.

4. Easier on the children.

The worst aspect of a divorce for children is the conflict between the parents. It will be traumatic enough for them, but they can heal knowing that their parents are working together to make adult decisions and will not put them in the middle.

5. Easier on you.

The way your marriage ends will significantly impact the way you approach your future relationships. When you use a mediator to help both of you communicate and make important decisions, it can be easier to move forward and accept the past, rather than turning hurt and anger into an expensive court battle.

6. You can still go to court.

When people use divorce mediation, they do not give up their right to go to court. If you are not satisfied in mediation, you can stop at any time, retain a separate attorney, and have the judge decide the issues. What has occurred in mediation will remain confidential, so the parties can start fresh.

7. You get legal information.

Each spouse in mediation is encouraged to consult with a separate attorney for legal advice, especially before signing the Marital Settlement Agreement. Mediators are not allowed to give legal advice.

8. Emotions can be managed.

Many people simply want to be heard and understood in the divorce process. However, on their own this can get out of control, as each person triggers anger and resentment in the other -- often unintentionally. A mediator trained in counseling can assist the parties in acknowledging feelings but not allowing feelings to control the decision-making process.

9. It's confidential.

In private divorce mediation, all discussions and tentative agreements are confidential. This makes it safe to propose solutions for possible consideration without having them all thought out. This can lead to new solutions neither party had previously considered.

10. It builds on the positive.

In mediation, both parties are encouraged to recognize the positive in the other person and to find common ground for agreement. In court, each side must emphasize the negative about the other person in order to "win" against the other. Especially when there will be future contact between the parties, such as in parenting, whatever goodwill remains between the parties should be preserved and not destroyed. It also reduces the likelihood of post-divorce conflict and repeated court hearings because the couple has developed the agreement cooperatively and have learned to communicate better and work together to avoid future problems.

Mediation is far preferable to litigation, especially in personal matters such as family, divorce, child custody, and visitation and support issues.

As compared to litigation, mediation many times can shorten the time it takes to resolve disputes, is less costly, and is less emotional for the parties and their children.

Since mediation is an attempt to bring people together, it may resolve the underlying dispute as well as create the foundation for the parties to have a friendly and working relationship with each other even after the dispute is resolved. If the parties have children, having such a friendly, working relationship is important, because the parties are invariably connected to each other through their mutual dealings with their children.

Mediation can also bring peace of mind, because a friendly, working relationship between parties means that there is less of a chance that one party will commit an adverse action upon the other in the future.