Getting Through a Massachusetts Divorce with Less Pain and More Gain

By Arline Kardasis, Agreement Resources, LLC

Whether you are working out your divorce settlement directly with your spouse, using a divorce mediator, or letting your attorneys duke it out on your dime, tips from the field of conflict resolution can help you get more of what you need and want when negotiating the terms of your divorce. Here are some helpful ways to think about arriving at a settlement agreement in Massachusetts.
 
Consider Your Conflict Style

Take a look at your conflict style and that of your spouse. Are you conflict avoidant and would rather lose than fight? Is she highly competitive and holds out at all cost? Would he be likely to give in if he got something in return? Or are you both just trying to find a “fair compromise”? All of these styles have their plusses and minuses, but knowing what styles are in play can help you to figure out which negotiating techniques might make sense. Furthermore, it is possible that you can both get what you want if you develop a collaborative conflict style and encourage your spouse to do the same. This means working together to create options that meet both of your interests – thinking collaboratively and creatively can mean both of you feel like winners in the end.

Think Like a Problem Solver

First you need to look at the conflict like a challenge and approach it as you would a puzzle. See if you can figure out why you care so much about a particular matter. As an example, if you want spousal support from your future-ex, consider why this is so important to you. You may think: “Well, I can’t earn very much in this economy because I haven’t had a full time job in 12 years. My skills are rusty and my resume is weak.” So what do you really care about in this situation? You care about being able to support yourself comfortably. Yes, alimony is one option, and there may also be other ways to accomplish your goal. How about getting some additional career development training? This might mean going back to school or taking an unpaid internship for a while. Your spouse might be more willing to help you out financially if these conditions were specifically identified and time limits were created for the financial help. Or you might be able to work out a resolution in which you both agreed that all financial contributions would be placed into a fund for skills trainings or for general living expenses during the term of a particular internship. By recognizing the underlying interests of you and your spouse, it is possible to create an agreement that satisfies you both without matching the original positions of either of you.

Try to be Collaborative

So how do you think collaboratively when it seems like a winner-take-all fight? The first step is to separate the person from the problem. This is difficult, of course, when emotions are running high with fear, anger, and sadness. Often a third party, like a mediator, can help. Spouses can safely vent their emotions to the mediator and then move on to brainstorming and problem-solving in ways that previously seemed impossible. Once you and your spouse are able to start making decisions together, you are able to begin thinking more like a problem-solving team. The goal is to see the divorce settlement like a project that you are co-managing. Once you are able to separate the person from the problem, you can make real progress toward developing your necessary agreements.

Develop Genuine Curiosity and Listen More

You might wonder how mediators get people to start talking. They don’t. Instead, they get people to start listening. By asking open-ended, non-judgmental questions, where they encourage spouses to talk about what matters and why, they hear what people care about and they help each participant to hear this as well. An open-ended question is simple and lets responders answer in whatever manner suits them. Here are some good open-ended questions:

• “Can you tell me why that is important to you?” 
• “Is there more you want to say about that?” 
• “What else concerns you?”

Once people feel that they have been “heard,” they are more likely to think clearly and to approach discussions productively.

When you are directly negotiating with your spouse, it may be hard to have productive conversations because you are frustrated or angry, but if you try asking more questions and listening with genuine curiosity, you may find that your spouse will be more able to listen to you as well.

Think Like a Mediator

So while it may be a struggle for you and your spouse to agree to the provisions of your divorce, you are more likely to achieve resolution if you:

• Consider your conflict style
• Think like a problem-solver
• Try to be collaborative
• Develop a genuine curiosity
• Listen more. 

Remember, Massachusetts judges want you to mutually agree to the terms of your divorce, but they also want you to arrive at your agreements collaboratively with an eye toward fairness and sustainability of the terms. This is most likely to occur if you follow these tips and think like a mediator.

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