The Ins and Outs of Contested Custody Cases

IN:  Communicate with your lawyer -- make sure your lawyer knows everything.
OUT: Holding back information because you are afraid of its impact.  Your lawyer should not find out at trial -- tell all up front.

IN:  Fill out all discovery responses within the time your lawyer (or the rules, if you are representing yourself) sets out.  You can lose the right to put on evidence if you do not.
OUT:  Making your lawyer, the judge or the other side repeatedly ask you for discovery responses.  If you do that, you are opening yourself up for "sanctions" which can run from paying the other side's attorneys fees to having your pleadings "stricken" -- that is, taken out of the case so you can't proceed on your claims.

IN:  Identify what deadlines govern your case, and what you need to do to assist your lawyer in meeting each deadline.
OUT:  Expecting your lawyer to babysit you:  Your lawyer keeps a calendar; so should you.

IN:  Dress the part.  Come to court looking like someone whom the judge would appoint as guardian of the judge's own children -- someone the judge can respect.
OUT:  Blue jeans, shorts, T-shirts, bare skin, torn or dirty clothes. Dress like that, and you might as well resign yourself to being the weekend parent.

IN:  Getting along.  Unless the other parent is abusive, has a  drug or alcohol problem, or gambles, it is likely, in Missouri, that the judge will want to make the two of you at least joint legal custodians.  So demonstrate that you can get along.
OUT:  Being difficult or petty -- again, unless there is abuse, substance abuse, gambling or the like, if you are difficult or petty, the judge will think long and hard before making you a joint legal custodian if the case is tried.

IN:  Taking an active role in your child's life.  Change diapers, go to Parent/Teacher conferences, know your child's friends and the friends' parents.  This will help make you a better parent as well as increasing the role that a judge is likely to give you in your child's life.
OUT:  Leaving it up to the other parent.  If you let the other parent make and take the child to doctor's appointments, Scouting, dance class and the like, the other parent is a shoo-in for being the principal residential custodian.

IN:  Be willing to consider a settlement.  Again, if the case is tried, the judge is going to ask "Why isn't this case settled?"  If the lawyers talk about the settlement discussion, they're gong to give the judge a fairly good idea of who was willing to meet halfway.  Is the judge supposed to judge on that kind of information?  Maybe not. Is the judge human and probably will be thinking that a person who takes intractable positions isn't likely to make a good co-parent?  You betcha.
OUT:  Taking intractable positions.  It won't help you co-parent anyway.  Again, if the other parent is abusive, or abuses alcohol or drugs, or gambles, that's another situation.  But in general, taking a position from which there is no potential for compromise, will hurt you in the long run.  Also, if a case can settle, it should.  A contested trial destroys what little chance you have of meaningful co-parenting.

IN:  Get ready whatever your lawyer asks you to get ready.  Copies of receipts, copies of checks, notebooks, logbooks, tax returns, paystubs, children's gradecards, progress reports -- whatever your lawyer needs. Get it and get it early, in case the lawyer needs to get a "business records" copy once the lawyer has identified documents the lawyer needs.
OUT:  Expecting your lawyer to prepare everything. Only you know what your child has done, where your child has been, what groups or companies have been involved in your child's life, so you need to bring it all to your lawyer's attention, and let your lawyer have plenty of time to sort through it so as to be prepared for trial.

IN:  Being polite and courteous on the witness stand.  The judge is "judging" you -- your credibility, your demeanor, your sincerity, your character.  The judge wants to see someone who is trying to do what is right for the children and who respects and honors the other parent, even if the other parent has made mistakes. 
OUT:  Self-righteousness on the witness stand.  An arrogant or "I'm better than you" attitude loses points. Let your lawyer argue that you are the better parent; if you act like it, the judge will not necessarily think you are -- the judge will just think you are full of yourself.

IN:  Let the kids be kids.  Don't talk about the case, unless they bring it up and then only to assure them that these are adult issues that the adults will handle.  If the children are older, answer their questions in age-appropriate terms, and NEVER be hostile or disrespectful about the other parent.
OUT:  Disrespecting the other parent to the children, and involving the children in the battle.  In the final analysis, this will hurt the children, and, if the judge is aware of it, is likely to cost you the case.

Remember:  This is about what is best for the children.  Remember what Isaac Beshevits Singer is quoted as telling his publicist, when she cried out that his giving away a story to a  not-for-profit magazine rather than selling it was a catastrophe.  "Oh no, ma'am," he said.  "That is not a catastrophe -- no little children will die from it."  Honor the children.  In the final analysis, honoring the children will give you the biggest win of all:  Their love and appreciation.

-M. Corinne Corley © 2006