Rate Your Mate

Rate Your Mate
Are you and your mate compatible?

Introduction

“Rate Your Mate” is a multi-part test based on my experience as a divorce lawyer and my interviews with married couples about the secrets of their lasting relationships.  The test highlights key areas such as mutual respect, common interests, children, money, and personal safety.  While the test is not scientific, it deals with issues we all face.  The results can help you determine the odds of maintaining a strong, healthy relationship.

While divorce lawyers seem to deal only in failed marriages, we actually see human beings interacting at various stages from courtship to breakup.  Familiarity with interpersonal relations creates a heightened awareness and appreciation of what works, what does not, and what seems fair and equitable in situations where there are few objective standards.  The test questions reflect my observations of important aspects of these interactions.

Our test questions are the same questions lawyers ask clients to evaluate a case.  A thorough legal analysis, however, usually goes well beyond the scope of “Rate Your Mate” and would cover areas in far greater detail. Please share your thoughts about this test and your suggestions for future topics by emailing bridges@divorcenet.com.

Instructions

Each section is scored individually.  After rating each question, total your score for that section.  A sum that is over 50% of the possible total indicates a favorable rating in that category.  Refer to the corresponding Comments for the 50% threshold.

This test is not scientific.  As in divorce cases, where judges make decisions based on the preponderance of the evidence, a score of over 50% is a favorable indication.

I. Everyday Actions

Comments: Highest score is 56; a score of 29 is over 50%.

Fairness means each partner does something that enhances the family’s lifestyle and each receives the benefits of their joint efforts.  Over time one partner may do more or less than the other partner.  Test questions do not measure the worth of what your mate is doing objectively, because there is no objective measure of the importance of holding down a job versus keeping house.  Who can say cooking is more valuable than washing dishes, or coaching soccer more meaningful than buying groceries?

Like any human enterprise, a division of labor within the family makes sense.  In strong relationships both partners value the other’s contributions.  In weak relationships, one partner overvalues his or her contribution and devalues the contributions of the partner.

Recent research by sociologist Terri Orbuch suggests that divorce is less likely for men who receive positive affirmations from their wives such as “I love you” or “You’re important to me”.  Wives who lacked affirmations from their husbands did not carry the same risk of divorce.  Ms. Orbuch reasoned that women’s more extensive networks provided affirmation where it was not forthcoming from the marital partner.

II. Mutual Respect and Common Interests

Comments: Highest score is 76; a score of 39 is over 50%.

Some experts believe common interests and values are vitally important.  Others contend that communication styles are even more important.  For example, if both partners validate the other’s feelings, their relationship has a good chance of surviving, in contrast to a marriage between one who argues heatedly and one who retreats into silence.  If both partners retreat, they have a decent chance of surviving, but if they both argue passionately, they have the best chance of all couples, according to one school of thought.

Ms. Orbuch’s research suggests that couples who use constructive styles of conflict resolution are more likely to stay together.  Aggressive behavior and shouting matches contribute to the risk of divorce unless both parties like to argue heatedly, according to John Gottman of the Gottman Institute.

III. Children

Comment: Highest score is 56; a score of 29 is over 50%.

IV. Money

Comments: Highest score is 24; a score of 13 is over 50%.

Research suggests that highly educated women are less likely to divorce.

V. Friends/Family and Work/Career

Comments: Highest score is 36; a score of 19 is over 50%.

Research shows that people who come from divorced families and those surrounded by divorced colleagues and friends are more likely to divorce.

VI. Health and Personal Safety

Comments: Highest score is 40; a score of 21 is over 50%.

This section is a very important measure of any relationship.  If health and personal safety are threatened, other aspects of a relationship such as common interests and money matters are minimized.

When I first started practicing law in 1977, I represented a young woman newly diagnosed with cancer.  Her husband of two years wanted a divorce, although her prognosis was excellent.  I was shocked at the fragility of their relationship and the husband’s inability to love and honor her “in sickness and health.”

Over the years I have seen other relationships end when a partner or child is diagnosed with a major illness or one partner suddenly succeeds brilliantly.  Other couples not only survive these major transitions, but are more deeply committed after a major setback or achievement.

Please share your thoughts about this test and your suggestions for future topics by emailing bridges@divorcenet.com.