The Emotional Divorce vs. The Legal Divorce

The decision to seek a divorce or separation is a difficult one in most cases. It is often preceded by months (if not years) of thought. Your mind is torn between many different emotions: confusion, anger, frustration, and fear to name just a few. Should you stay or leave? Will he or she change? How will it affect me? How will it affect the children? How about a “trial separation”? These and many other thoughts go through your mind as you consider what to do.

One of the most difficult decisions you will make is how and when to tell your spouse. And once you do, he or she may be taken by surprise. Your husband or wife may not have realized that, despite the many discussions the two of you have had, things had reached the point where you are seriously considering a divorce or separation.

Often the breakup of a marriage is the result of a breakdown in communication. Because of this, neither of you may have really heard what the other was saying. Therefore, it is not uncommon for one spouse to be taken by surprise when the other announces that he or she is seeking a divorce or separation.

If you are that other spouse, you may be months behind emotionally. You have not been struggling with the pros and cons of getting a divorce or separation. You may have thought that, although there were some difficulties in your marriage, these difficulties were not serious enough to lead to a separation or a divorce. As a result, you may be hurt and angry.

Unfortunately, when people are hurt they often react with anger, lashing out at the person who hurt them. They may view the legal system as a way of getting back at the one who hurt them and initiate legal action believing that they will feel better when the legal issues are resolved. A messy court battle is often the result.

And it is not only the spouse who is hurt who causes the parties to become involved in a court battle. Often the spouse who had first considered the divorce is now in a hurry to “get things moving” and pressures the other spouse to act. He or she is tired of waiting and, having made a decision, is anxious to get on with his or her life. Pressure to act is put on the other spouse, often in the form of legal action.

Rather than initiating legal action, it would be far better for both parties to understand where they each are emotionally. If you initiated the idea of a divorce or separation, realize that your husband or wife needs time to consider and digest it. You probably did not reach the decision to end your marriage overnight and he or she is going to need some time as well.

If you are not the one who initiated the idea of a divorce or separation, realize that your husband or wife has probably been considering this for a long time. You may need time to catch up, but you should also understand that the other person is ready now and may not be willing to wait indefinitely.

So, see an attorney if you believe you need legal advice. Spend an hour or so and find out what your options are. But don’t, unless absolutely necessary, retain the attorney and allow him or her to initiate legal action. Wait until both of you have come to terms with the idea of a divorce or separation. Only then will you be able to make intelligent decisions. In short, let your head catch up with your heart. The result will be better for both of you.