Divorcing Parent: Hints to Help the Child's Adjustment to the Dissolution

For more than two decades, the dissolution rate for first marriages has been quite high, with some studies noting that the rate is about 50 percent. Some studies indicate that children of separated parents have up to three times the number of emotional and behavioral problems as do children who live with both parents: 25 percent of them struggle academically or drop out of school; 65 percent of them do not have a good relationship with their father after divorce.

To help your children get through the tough times of dissolution, consider the following:

* Make sure both parents stay involved in the child's life. Children may interpret lack of involvement as rejection. Often, they think the parent who is not involved in their life loves them less. Staying involved means more than just a visit every other weekend, but also an involvement and interest in the child's schoolwork, doctor appointments, and outside activities, etc.

* Do not introduce a child to a significant other too quickly. Studies show that parents need to put dating on hold. Many use one year as a good frame of reference. Typically, children need even more quality time with their parents now, because they too, are under stress of their own.

* Do not feel overly guilty about the divorce. Studies show that children tend to do better in a single-parent home that provides plenty of warmth and support than in a two-parent home that is characterized by a lot of conflict. So while one may turn to divorce after a full-fledged effort to keep the marriage together, it probably is not a good idea to stay together just for the sake of the children.

* Do not fuel the fantasy of reconciliation. Do not say to the child that you may get back together with the other parent when you do not know if that will happen. Nearly all children fantasize that their parents will reunite and they will all live happily together again. To have this hope raised, and then shattered, may significantly harm the child.

* Take a long-term view toward your child's adjustment and your own. Studies show that it takes children about a year to adjust to their new life, while parents often need more time than that before they feel more secure with their own new lives.

* Keep routines consistent as much as possible. Since your child is already undergoing a major change in his/her family unit because of the divorce, it is best to limit the number of additional changes in a child's life. Try to keep children in the same school and doing the same activities with the same friends.

* Do not abandon all attempts to impose limits on your child. By setting consistent limits, parents can actually help ease a child's adjustment to the separation. When children live with two parents, they are used to having rules and boundaries. When the same structure is kept in place after a separation, children tend to feel more secure, and often less like they are losing their total world.

* Do not engage in one-upmanship with the other parent. Some parents try to make up for the divorce by buying their child everything. In some situations, these gifts are designed to show up the other parent. Usually, children learn quickly how to play the game and play one parent against the other. Most likely, what the child really needs now is attention, love and consistency, not the hottest toy of the season.

* Do not use kids as pawns. Some custodial parents mistakenly believe that if the other parent is not current with support payments, he/she should not be allowed to see the child. But that is not fair to the child. Studies show that parents who are denied access to their children are less likely to fully pay child support on time, than parents who remain involved in their kids' lives. Parents need to put their child's best interests first, and not involve the child in disputes between the adults.

* Ease the transition from one home to the other. In order to ease the transition for the child at either the beginning or end of a visitation period, many parents will try to prepare the child for the transition an hour to an hour and half before leaving one parent to go with the other. Additionally, non-custodial parents should keep some of the child's favorite books, toys, and family photos around to help the child feel more comfortable.

* Do not repeatedly miss scheduled visits with your child. Do not cancel visitation with your child. These visits are important for children. If a parent repeatedly does not show up as planned, it may make the child feel as though he/she is not loved, that he/she is not important. Often, it is also more difficult for the child to have a relationship with someone who repeatedly fails to keep promises.

* Protect your child's childhood. A common, unfortunate mistake that some parents make is to let their children hear too much. Bad-mouthing of the other parent to a child or sharing adult issues, such as dating, will often backfire and could prove to be devastating to the child.