Divorcing Parent: How the Young Child May be Affected

When parents first separate, it is not unusual for children to show some negative reactions. The following may be a useful guideline to help you understand how your child might respond to the change in your relationship with the other parent. Though there are no firm rules to apply, keep in mind that your child's world has dramatically been changed and he/she will likely have an adverse reaction to that change.

* Infants and toddlers. Babies tend to reflect their mother's mood, so how a mother handles the separation will often play a key role in how the baby responds. Generally, babies sense tension in the home and many become irritable and clingy. They also tend to regress, losing recent developmental skills they have mastered.

* Preschoolers. Preschool kids tend to have a particularly tough time with separation because they often think they were the cause of the breakup. Since preschoolers often do not have words to go with their feelings, they may act out. They may regress and return to thumb sucking or security blankets. They may have a fear of abandonment, reasoning that if one parent can leave, so can the other. For this reason, preschoolers may not want to go to sleep or sleep alone because they do not want to be apart from the custodial parent.

* Five-to eight-year-olds. Children of this age often worry about losing one of their parents and will show a deep longing for that parent. Typically, the child might want to know "Who is taking care of Daddy/Mommy?" They may fantasize that the parent will be returning any day or may often believe they can somehow rescue the marriage or relationship. Children of this age may sob openly or withdraw. They also may refuse to go to school. In fact, studies show that many children this age may show a decline in school performance.

* Eight-to ten-year-olds. This age group may respond with anger to their parents' separation, aligning themselves with the "good" parent against the "bad" one. Eight-to ten-year-olds may often make harsh judgments, often resulting in accusing their parents of being mean or selfish. They may complain of headaches or stomachaches. Chronic conditions, like asthma, are often intensified. Both school performance and peer relationships may suffer, and some children may resort to lying and stealing to vent their frustration.

If any of your child's reactions become of concern for you, consider child counseling. You can enlist the support of groups at your child's school or your religious institution designed for children of separation. Pediatricians can also monitor your child's physical and emotional reactions and, when necessary, make a referral to a therapist.