There are two schools of thought on divorce these days, when it come to kids.

• School one-- "it's better for the kids to have a peaceful divorce than a miserable marriage."
• School two-- "divorce is bad for kids" AKA "Kids always want their parents to be together." (This is true-- but kids want a lot of things!)

The Orange County (California) Register printed an in depth article on Saturday, June 16, 2002 about the rising number of single fathers in Orange County, California. The statistics on divorce as a percentage of marriage lower as ages of the spouses rise, but it is currently pegged at about 43%-- and the Register says only about 3/4 of families are 2 parent households. (And these may well be blended families.)

Bottom line, there are a LOT of children touched by divorce, as I was a child-- when no one else I knew only had one parent.

So -- is divorce traumatic for kids? Yes and no. Getting a new tooth is traumatic for a baby-- but it is a part of life. Growth is not a painless thing, and pain is not all toxic. But the experts have all long concurred that extreme and ongoing conflict is NOT good for kids and that certain situations which an arise in divorce are harmful to children.

But there are a million books about these issues and many have been written by therapists. They all have some wisdom to offer-- but they all, as far as I can ell lack one basic thing. They overlook a simple sad and basic fact-- the court system as it is currently constituted is toxic.

Our legal system is built on the premise that conflicting views can give rise to truth-- and it is also based on property law and property values. NONE OF THESE APPLY TO DIVORCE! To the extent that property must be divided, even in a community property state such as California, there must be some avenue to deal with this, but what is ongoing and applies to children is the parenting concerns, which are relationship issues. And relationships are not fostered or nurtured by combat -- legal or otherwise.

Is there a solution? Yes, in fact there is. It is called Collaborative Family Law and has been "blessed" by such leading figures in Family Law in California as Ira Lurvey. In some rural areas, in states where this started (Minnesota believe it or not) and parts of Canada, 80 -- 90% of the cases are now done this way. (see The Happy Divorce Publication Date: January 21, 2002 in www.macleans.com)

But does the public know this? No, sadly. It does not. In Northern California your chances of finding this out are better than in Southern California. But even here in Orange County, the movement does exist.

So you are going to have to do what so many people do on the internet these days-- research the topic and then demand the product from your local "bar" the attorneys association. From family lawyers.

So--if you know you want a sane divorce and you know you want your kids to have a relationship with both of you-- this is for you. And if you know you want to keep your money for yourselves, not bleed out to two attorneys who love the battle(but you know you require the expert advice a complex legal mater which will affect the rest of your life requires) then you must demand Collaborative Family Law. The bar-- attorneys-- will see the light when the public stands up and demands this! The media will pay attention to CFL when the public shows the media CFL sells cornflakes. This is a sad fact of life.

So, if you want to divorce but refuse to get mangled, and you are determined to have "unmangled" children-- educate yourself and demand to opt out of the toxic system using Collaborative Family Law. Coming soon to counties near you!

(PS-- no matter what you see on television or hear from the Horror Story Brigade, there are MANY family practitioners who are deeply committed to avoiding the mangling -- they just need to know it is safe to change ingrained habits. You, Mr. And Mrs. John Q. Public, can send them this message!)

Welcome to the Twenty-first Century, and the CFL soul train. We need you. You need us. Damn the torpedoes-- full speed ahead!