Divorce is Painful-- often destructive. It costs as much as-- or more than--than the wedding. Who can reckon the cost of broken dreams , eroded self-esteem and damaged family relationships? There is huge cost-- without any reward. None of the fun, the memories, the photos, the bliss of the honeymoon.

But according to recent surveys, on average 43% of marriages will end this way-- will undergo this painful reverse ritual.

The traditional method of doing divorce" is to hire a lawyer and sue your formerly beloved spouse. (Who is quite likely the still beloved parent of your children.) If you have never thought of divorce as a lawsuit-- consider this. Here are the steps.

1. Hire lawyer-- "hired gun,:"
2. File and serve a complaint or "petition" (renamed complaint.)
3. Serve the Summons and Complaint/Petition. (A summons is a substitute for the old, less civilized method of bringing a party before the court--arrest.)
4. Proceed to g battle (in papers) to a conclusion in which both spouses/parties are unhappy. And broke-- or less well off then before.
5. Live under a court order until all minor children are grown.

This is a lawsuit-- make no mistake. This is also a battle--albeit one fought with pens rather then broadswords. No wonder there are so many walking wounded--so many horror stories. No wonder the myth is "no one behaves decently in divorce." And no wonder we feel so free to live such a lethal myth.

Perhaps it is not surprising that the broken dreams of the wedding, the lost bliss of the honeymoon leave so many ready to seek or wreak revenge. The case law attests that many have been willing and ready to give in to the strong temptation to strike out at the apparent sources of their hurt. (If you knew how much money these couples poured into legal fees to take these cases up on appeal you'd be appalled!) Many do--and many don't/ But for those who do, it is a false victory they seek. The "divorce" is the end of one relationship and the beginning of another-- a lifetime as parents. If you have no children, it is still the beginning of a new relationship with yourself. This relationship will be diffilcult if war has been waged in the name of ending the marriage. If there was ever a reason to make "unmarrying" a war, that time has passed. In the world we live in, it serves no one.

This is the weakness of the lawsuit model. It amplfies these counterproductive feelings until total destruction has been wrought, unless the parties can pull themselves back from the brink. (And some do.) Perhaps many of us think we want to go to war when we are still smarting. And then, too this is what is familiar. And familiar can be -- or seem-- comforting when one is walking into an unknown future, where your previous plans have been cancelled. Having a "hired gun" who tells you s/he will walk you through the maze may seem to be a life raft on stormy seas.

Oddly, this CAN be true-- IF you chose the collaborative model, when you and your spouse-- not an overworked judge-- make the decisions. Then your lawyer can be the lighthouse-- although you must still steer the ship and decide the course.

But if you seize on the litigated model because it is familiar, the paradoxical result is you will have little or no control over your path through the stormy seas. Once a lawsuit is started each side takes ever more extreme positions and all trust and rapport erode-- and costs escalate. Whatever "irreconcilable differences" existed when one spouse decided to end it, the polarized process of fighting a court battle, even if only on paper, destroys whatever rapport there was-- and leaves nothing good in its wake.

So-- is there a "magic bullet?" a strategy that will prevent all this harm from happening, and allow you to find "right relationship" with your ex spouse, and remain bonded with and a role model to your children?

In a sense, yes-- there is. That "magic bullet" is integrity. "Integrity" derives from "integrate"-- "to male whole by bringing the parts together, unify." The dictionary also defines "integrity" as steadfast adherence to a strict moral code." But it is not the strictness which is operative e here-- it is "wholeness." Your actions, even under the duress of hurt feelings and involvement in an unfamiliar, expensive and uncertain legal process must be of a whole with your deepest values.

There are several reasons why this is so:

1. Only thus can you be a role model for your children
2. Only thus can you emerge from the process with your self esteem intact, and
3. Only thus can you hope to form a healthy relationship with yourself, you children and any future partner.

There is a paradox in the way people often sink to low levels of behavior in divorce or other conflict. There is a seeming "original" misdeed (which may well have been a misunderstanding or someone else's wounds, but that is a topic for another article.) This act is unacceptable to the receiver-- "you." To you this behavior is "bad" and "wrong" and you know it is because it fels bad and wrong to you. Ergo (many of us reason, from time to time) the other person deserves to receive equality hurtful behavior.

But-- we only know what is hurtful if we were taught that. And we were taught be having had it happen to us-- by having felt it! Thus, we know it is wrong. And no matter how easy it us to overlook in the heat of the moment-- if it is "wrong" when you do it to me it is "wrong" when I do it to you. Period. (The part of us which really operates on this level is not "into" shades of gray!)

Thus, any behavior we undertake which we do not approve-- is "out of integrity" for us-- is psycho-spiritually lethal for us, and does us more harm than it could ever do our target.

And the other little known (but obvious fact) in any conflict situation is -- all we can really exercise control over is ourselves. Our attitudes, our actions and our responses to stimuli. No court order can "make" an offensive behavior stop. Many women have been shot by husbands in violation of restraining orders -- and many parents owe child support which is not paid. Parents use their children to obtain emotional support, instead of giving it -- return children late from visitation or schedule sports events to disrupt time spent with the non custodial parent. Only integrity can change this -- if court order could, these would not happen at all.

The other paradox is-- except in cases of mental illness, each parent locked in conflict thinks s/he is in the right and the other is in the wrong. The conflict could not continue if both realized both are part "right" and part "wrong."

So-- if you are rue to your deepest values, you get the only real prize. Peace of mind. And you just MIGHT also get a better divorce than you had a marriage, lower costs for legal proceedings, and some day maybe even the admiration of a new spouse-- and your children.

What a concept.

Trusting (and acting on) the theory that only integrity works in the long run may be hard-- lawyers and formerly divorced friends may counsel you against it-- or resent you for managing it. (See "Breaking Apart, a memoir of Divorce" by Wendy Swallow.) But in the end only you can live with you inside your skin. If you are not sure what your deepest values dictate because you are too caught up in a situation, do what many have often done (Hilary Clinton's vilification in the press for using this technique notwithstanding)--ask yourself what your most admired role model would do.

You will know. And sticking to that knowing is your "magic bullet."