QUESTION: My ex-wife tells my children they can take skiing lessons, horse-back riding lessons, art classes, etc. She (my ex-wife) doesn't discuss it with me first. Instead, she just gives me the bill after they are enrolled in these extra-curricular activities. I don't have the money, but I don't dare not pay the bill because I'll be the "bad guy" if I don't pay.

ANSWER: This is a very dangerous situation. Putting children in the middle to get at your ex-spouse harms the children. It is important for you and your ex-wife to set up some guidelines.

You can do this by retaining a lawyer to look at your divorce agreement to see whether it addresses the situation. This might mean that you will have to go to court to determine what costs must be paid by whom. This is not necessarily the best way to settle the issue. Taking each other through the court process every time there is a disagreement is not a good pattern to establish. Remember you are still parents even though divorced and will be dealing with each other about the children for all of their lives. You want to be sure that your children learn the life lessons you consider important.

Another way to address this is through mediation. A mediator is an impartial person who will help each of you to negotiate a plan that is acceptable to all. The mediator does not act as a judge. She does not impose a solution, but helps you determine your own. A mediator would help you both to delineate what you as parents feel is important for the children. Are they asking for all these lessons? Is their mother really just using these activities as an excuse to drain your pocketbook? Is their mother afraid to consult with you for fear you'll explode and lecture to her and the kids? Once the mediator helps you determine your goals, her goals and the children's goals you will develop a forum for achieving them in a way that is acceptable to all everyone.

You are still a family and must address the needs and wants of your children, and match these to your family budget.