Visitation at the Holidays

The holidays are stressful for divorced parents and their children. Typically, lawyers recommend a "flip-flop" visitation schedule. Dad spends Thanksgiving with the children and Mom keeps them for Christmas. The following year, the parties trade.

Some families opt for the "split" holiday in which the children spend a half day at each parent's home. The frenzy can be maddening; children eat two dinners or none.

A few parents try a "permanent" holiday schedule. Mom and Dad agree that the children will spend every Thanksgiving with Mom. Dad spends every Christmas Eve and morning with the children.

After the divorce, Dad remarries and wants the children to spend Thanksgiving with him and his new family. Mom also wants the children to wake up at her home on Christmas morning. These requests are predictable, but parents often fail to build in a mechanism for change. We value parents' ability to negotiate and settle their differences. When that is not possible, however, the court will entertain a request to change an existing court order or agreement if consistent with the children's best interest.

Minimize future disputes as you plan your post-divorce visitation schedule:

• Consult a child psychologist about the needs of children at different ages.
• Anticipate change as your children grow or as your own circumstances vary, such as changes in health and income.
• Opt for mediation.
• If you must return to court, ask the judge to appoint a guardian ad litem (person acting in place of the children). The guardian, usually a mental health professional, will interview the children so the court hears the guardian's testimony instead of the children's.
• Do not wait until the last minute to change holiday schedules.
• Be flexible.
• Above all, do not put children in the middle.