Standing in Big Shoes -- What We Can Teach Each Other About Marriage

I am one of the people who married in Massachusetts after the ban on same-sex marriage  was lifted. I married Elaine after seventeen years of “engagement.” 

Prior to our marriage, Elaine and I had completely lost hope that we would ever have a legal, full-fledged marriage during our lifetimes. We were in our late fifties at the time of the Goodridge decision, and had lived through many liberation movements, including gay liberation. But the idea that a legislature or a court would come to the conclusion that we had the right to be legally married seemed so far-fetched, especially given the angry climate towards same-sex marriage on the part of many religious groups. Gay marriage would then be the final frontier, one that would only take place after our deaths.

We also had decided that, unlike some of our gay and lesbian colleagues, we would marry only if we could do so in our home state of Massachusetts, and only if we were able to enter into a full-fledged legal marriage, with no difference from an opposite-sex marriage. We would not settle for running to Canada to marry, and we would not settle for running to Vermont to have a “civil union,” which has an entirely separate set of laws than marriage in that state. We would no longer run and hide. We were not willing to be second-class citizens any longer. Better to not marry with pride than to accept anything less than our neighbors next door had – full-fledged marriage, without if’s, and’s or but’s.

Elaine and I felt it was time to symbolize our relationship with a ring. So we went to the jeweler who made the rings of our (straight) friends who had recently married. He made matching rings which combined a ring of my mother and a ring of a grandmother. They were beautiful, had great meaning, and with the “engagement” rings thus obtained, we were as close as we thought we would get to marriage.

In November of 2003, the Goodridge decision was issued. It was a surprise to everyone. We were shocked and overjoyed. The feeling during the days after Goodridge in the gay and lesbian community (and among our straight allies) was unbelievable. Then Goodridge II was issued. This case answered the question of whether rights of gays and lesbians would be legally satisfied with a separate system of civil unions for gays and lesbians and “marriage” for straight people. The answer of the court was a terse “no,” followed by beautifully articulated reasoning. The Court said that a separate but equal system was inherently unequal, and that gays and lesbians should be able to marry on the exact same basis and with the exact same rules as straight people. It was another joyful day when that decision came out in February of 2004. That was when gay and lesbian people in Massachusetts started making wedding plans in earnest.

Gays and lesbians who were in coupled relationships had to really think about what marriage meant, and whether they wanted to marry. The psychology and culture of gays and lesbians has generally been (with exceptions) that relationships are conducted in serial monogamy and discarded when the inevitable difficulties in long-term relationships arise. Because same-sex couples did not have all the cultural expectations and family support of legal marriage, often when the going got tough, the relationship would come to an end.

Because of the instability in relationships, same-sex couples usually maintained personal financial independence to a much greater extent than married couples. Gay and lesbian couples usually had separate bank accounts, financial assets, and strived to equally share expenses. Both parties generally worked outside the home. It was a very rare relationship where one of the parties maintained the household and the other party was the breadwinner.  

Because the chances of having a lifetime relationship in a same-sex couple were so slim, everyone wanted to be protected when the relationship fell apart. As a practicing attorney, I had first-hand experience with many horror cases where there was a termination of the relationship of someone in a 20- or 25-year relationship with no money of his/her own, and nothing titled in his or her own name. When this takes place where there is no firm law (such as divorce laws) to determine what will happen financially, the results are devastating. The litigation on these issues is always complex, indeterminate, and costly in all ways. Sometimes same-sex partners had transferred or held property in joint names prior to the break-up. Litigation on the issue of who had the rights to this property was fierce. I also saw many instances of surviving partners in same-sex relationships of many years impoverished and with no legal rights when his or her partner had died.

Therefore, gays and lesbians usually wanted financial independence in their relationships. In my opinion, an interesting result of this independence was a weakening of the relationships. As a lawyer dealing with married couples in many contexts, I have come to the conclusion that financial necessity and financial interdependence is one of the important “glues” which holds a marriage together. 

But financial interdependence rather then self-protecting independence can only happen in the context of helpful laws (statutory and judge-made) that comprise the laws of marriage and divorce. In addition, I believe in order for marriage to flourish, there has to be some risk taken in the marital enterprise. A contract, even if it contained the thousands of laws and court decisions of the common law (which is impossible), would not do as much for the relationship as the simple words “we are married.” “We are married” is really shorthand for the thousands of concepts, developed by human history, societies, literature, psychology, and culture, that comprise marriage. These clearly cannot be fully obtained by entering into a written civil contract.

So when Goodridge came out, gay and lesbian people in relationships started thinking about getting married. This was a complex process for all of us, with many experiencing a great deal of pressure. People in difficult and uncertain relationships were being asked “So when are you getting married?” People in very short relationships were under pressure to get married. Everyone had to decide whether they now wanted to stay with their partners for the rest of their lives. People in long relationships like me and Elaine were put in the position of having to decide whether to continue and ratify the relationship. The relationship of anyone who chose not to marry was deemed suspect or questionable. Gays and lesbians in Massachusetts started thinking about the implications of marriage.
 
Elaine and I were in the seventeenth year of our relationship. We had been through much in those seventeen years. We were not at the beginning of our relationship, and although we knew that we wanted to be in our relationship for a lifetime, what would “marriage” bring? It was like stepping into a new world. We didn’t know if, or how, anything would change if we got married. We both thought about it seriously (for a couple of days) and decided to marry. We wanted to be in our relationship, warts and all, and for the long-term. I also (as it turned out wrongly) thought that marriage would not change anything.

So, after much intricate planning (where were our mothers when we needed them?) we had a wonderful, large wedding with many events in September of 2004. Most of our guests (our friends and relatives) were straight. We had a rabbi perform the ceremony, because we wanted to show people that we could get civilly married and religiously married – just like other folk. In the ceremony, my son presented to us as our wedding rings the rings we had made up the year before. Everyone (including Elaine) wept at the ceremony. We all felt that we had come to a very special day. Elaine and I felt very supported by our friends, relatives, and colleagues.

At the wedding dinner, a lesbian friend who had recently married under Goodridge gave a toast. She and her partner had been together 20 years prior to their marriage. Our friend said that after their marriage, they were surprised how much everything changed. They were touched by how close they felt, and how their love had grown after the wedding. She said their relationship had really changed and deepened after finally being allowed to marry. At the time, I thought, I wouldn’t feel that way – that marriage wouldn’t deepen the commitment Elaine and I already felt. But I was wrong.

At first after the wedding, I felt unchanged. (I am not saying “we,” because Elaine tells me that she immediately felt different.) The wedding was wonderful, but we were still the same people in a long-term relationship. 

But then, gradually, we both started tuning into all the references to marriage and married people and married life in the media – on TV, in newspapers, in the books we were reading. Gradually, day by day, I started feeling “married” and Elaine was feeling “more married.” We began to connect to all the references and allusions we saw in the media and in daily life to us and our marriage. It felt like we were stepping into big shoes and starting to walk in them. 

By tapping into the cultural understandings of what marriage is, we were building our own marriage. Our feelings towards each other were growing, as predicted by our friend at the wedding. Our way of treating each other on a daily basis improved. We were totally committed to each other. After all, we were now married. And yes, being married really changed things for the better.

As we began to tap into the institution of marriage, we started growing and changing. We were re-patterning our behavior and expectations. The well-trained impulse to see our relationship as somehow nonpermanent or lesser than straight relationships started to disappear. As we experienced being married, we realized that we had previously felt a deep sense of inferiority about our relationship. Now we were actually married and our relationship had the same status as everyone else’s. We had more respect for ourselves, each other, our relationship, and our place in society. Elaine started putting out the American flag on July 4th. We really felt like Americans for the first time, and not outsiders. 

As we continued to experience marriage, we started really understanding the harshness of not being able to be married. We finally were allowed to be fully human. It was wonderful.

A straight neighbor (in a successful second marriage) articulated one of the wonderful things about marriage better than anyone I’ve ever heard. After he congratulated us on our marriage, he said that when you get married, “the back door closes.” He described how good that feeling was. No more wondering if this is the relationship you should or shouldn’t be in. No more wondering if it’s permanent. No more looking for other people or another life. That decision has been made. You have made the ultimate commitment to another person. Now it’s time to relax and delve into whatever the marital relationship offers. 

After the marriage, Elaine and I continued to process what it means to be “married.” We had no direct social history of gays and lesbians being legally married (although we know there have been many devoted, committed couples in the past, such as Gertrude Stein and Alice Toklas). We feel like pioneers. Now, after almost two years of marriage, we simply feel, well, married. And it feels very good.

Our understanding of “marriage” increases month by month and we start to absorb it into our lives. It has strengthened our relationship and our relationship with others. We are no longer “partners” (such a cold word!) or cohabitants, or “significant others” – we are “married,” with all the comfort and complexity that word designates. Although we made the rabbi conducting our wedding ceremony say “spouse” or “spouses” when referring to us in our new status, very shortly after the marriage, we started referring to each other as “my wife.” The men who got married started calling each other “husband.” This change in terminology among gay and lesbian people came about naturally, and is almost now universal. It was actually a surprise to all of us. We feel we have reclaimed for ourselves the warmth and affection of the words “wife” and “husband.” They are, indeed, wonderful terms so full of so much meaning.  
 
In this and in other ways, we believe we are helping to redefine and revitalize marriage as a more positive institution. After all, we have chosen and fought for marriage. It was not imposed on us by cultural or family expectations. We cherish the opportunity for personal growth, community ties, and security that long-term marriage offers. Because it was denied to us for so long, we value it in a way that perhaps many straight people do not.  We hope that more straight people (and even those who are now of the opinion that we shouldn’t be permitted to be married) come to the realization (as many already have) that our marriages have the potential to invigorate and strengthen the institution of marriage as no historic event ever has.  

As a lawyer practicing in the area of divorce, I have clearly seen how marriages break up for little or no good reason. In my practice, I have personally dealt with the results of marriages entered into lightly and discarded easily. You can imagine how hurtful this scenario is to lesbian and gay people who cannot get married. I have seen marriages of many years’ duration where the parties clearly (and often for no good reason) cannot abide the other party. What happened to the love they felt at the beginning? Why can’t they appreciate the opportunity to cherish each other and care for each other?

I have seen and heard about all the ugly things married people can say and do to each other. I know about all the bad events and disappointments that married life brings that sometimes kill a marriage. I can see how fragile marriages are if the daily work of commitment, communication, and cherishing is not done. I can generally tell within several minutes of meeting with a couple (in a non-divorce matter) whether their marriage is likely to survive or fail. 

I also see that marriage has great value. It creates personal and financial security, interest in life, someone to talk with on a daily basis and with whom to experience the flow of human events. Marriage is a process that I believe can be worked out by almost every married couple if they so choose. I view life-long marriages, even if not perfect, as a good thing, and an old age together as a reward for work well done in the marriage. I see the value in all our imperfect marriages. In short, even before Goodridge, but more strongly afterwards (now that I have a personal stake in it), I have become a marriage “booster.”

My practice of law has also blossomed since Goodridge. Because I am now really married, I no longer feel like a “sham” when I counsel married couples and help divorcing clients. Now I can wholeheartedly work as a legal professional working in the context of marriage as it comes up in divorce law, estate planning, or other issues my married clients are experiencing. And, since Goodridge, I have more strongly focused my practice in the areas of marriage, divorce, post-nuptial mediation, and pre- and post-nuptial legal counseling. It is where I feel most driven to practice. These are the areas I love to work in and where I feel totally comfortable and effective. And I feel my skills in counseling others have grown as a result of my own real, legal, bona fide marriage.

Elaine and I continue to step into those big shoes as we absorb the lessons of marriage on a daily basis. The back door has closed, and we can process our marriage until our deaths.  We are grateful to be included in this most important vital institution. And we reclaim the words that fit our situation. We are married. Elaine is my wife. I am her wife. 

So what can straight people teach gays and lesbians about marriage? That it is a strong, complex, culturally-based institution that promotes personal growth, family connections, psychological health, and financial security. Know that every marriage strengthens society and that marriage has a myriad of implications and a great history. That even if your marriage is not perfect and you may sometimes have conflict with your spouse, it is ultimately worthwhile and the day will come when you will adore him or her again. We learn that lifetime relationships with no end until death are extremely valuable even if achieved at some hard costs.

And what can gays and lesbians teach straight people about marriage? That marriage is precious, and is a great opportunity for personal growth. That marriage should be cherished, savored, and protected, and not thrown away. That marriage should be nourished and treated with great care. Don’t marry lightly, but once you do, make the ultimate commitment. And always appreciate the fact that you have the opportunity to be married – it is the most precious thing life has to offer.

Together we can forge a stronger and more enduring institution.