In my 19 years of practice as a lawyer, I have seen many couples go through the divorce process. I know what does and doesn't facilitate healing and a rapid recovery from the aftermath of divorce.
As a holistic lawyer, I believe the law is a healing profession and that can certainly be true in matters of divorce. But it depends on how you choose to handle this challenging situation. It can be the worst nightmare of your life or it can be an opportunity for tremendous growth and healing.
I offer the following suggestions to help you and your loved ones find your way on this often difficult path:
Keep your children out of it. If you have children, first and foremost do NOT use them as a sounding board for your pain. Don't tell them all the flaws you see in your soon-to-be ex-spouse. Remember, although you may no longer love this person, they do, and it deeply hurts your child to hear negative things about their father or mother, especially from the other parent. Many times adults are in so much pain themselves that they fail to see the damage inflicted on their children by talking negatively about the other parent.
Show your children lots of love. No one expects you to be "superperson" at this emotional time in your life, but remember your need to vent today may cause your child to suffer for many years and will shape the way they view relationships. If you can think of nothing good to say about your spouse, say nothing. I would urge you to remember that at one time you saw many wonderful qualities in your spouse. Those qualities are still there. As much as you can, say good things about your spouse to your children. Explain that your break up is no reflection on them. Even though you and your spouse no longer love each other, you both still love them very much and will always be there for them. Taking the high road will make you feel better, too.
Make the transition as smooth as possible for your children and constantly remind them of how much they are loved. The immediate reward for this, besides helping your children, is that it makes the divorce process go smoother, decreases legal costs and expedite your own recovery. Fighting about children is a major stumbling block in many divorces. The war is over. Remove the land mines.
Try to see your spouse as someone you once deeply loved. When a marriage goes sour, it is easy to let negative perceptions spiral into an absolute frenzy of rage, hate and vengeance. Remember the Law of Karma: What you send out comes back. At one time, you loved this person enough to want to spend the rest of your life with them. If you attack them now, you are attacking your own judgment. Don't do that. Give yourself credit by acknowledging the qualities you once loved and admired in your soon-to-be ex. You won’t believe the difference this makes in approaching your divorce as a time of change and growth instead of a bitter war of retaliation that nobody wins. "Except the lawyers," many people say. While it is true such vindictive battles do increase legal fees, in reality such wars are hard on all concerned, whether your lawyer acknowledges it or not.
Release your anger in positive ways. There is no denying a relationship gone bad will be the source of much hurt and anger. But it is imperative for your health and healing that you release these toxic feelings. If you don't, you will remain "stuck" in the past, and your future will just be a repeat of all the things you don't want. You may also set yourself up for illness, including cancer, diabetes, and high blood pressure. Don't hold the feelings in; let them out in a healthy way.
One healthy way to release anger is by writing an angry letter to your spouse. Don't hold back. Say everything you want to say, everything you feel they ever did to hurt you, every name you ever wanted to call them. Put it all down, every single thing you can think of. And when you're done, fold your letter up and write, "What I really want from you is your love and approval." Then take your letter, tear it into little bitty pieces, and safely burn it. You will be amazed at how much release and satisfaction this brings. Do it again and again, whenever you feel your anger rise. You have a right to your feelings. But for your own health and happiness, you need to let the negative go.
Some people, when playing the "blame game," end up blaming themselves. Maybe you feel angry with yourself for things you did or didn't do. If so, the same technique will work. Write an angry letter. Let it out. Then let it go, and go to the mirror and praise yourself for doing so. Affirm aloud, several times a day, "It is easy for me to make changes."
