Avoiding Family Destruction in Divorce

Divorcing couples are often hesitant to begin the process. They’ve heard about friends, neighbors, and relatives who have been through expensive, time-consuming divorces, and they are afraid. 

But usually, what they fear most is not losing the house, car, boat, or retirement accounts. Most are much more concerned with damage to the important relationships in their lives. For couples whose family relationships are of the highest priority, mediation is an option that makes sense. 

Mediator neutrality is a powerful advantage that mediation has over the traditional adversarial method, and is a key ingredient to helping the family survive the emotional trauma of divorce. 

Research shows that children of divorce highly value their parents’ decision to work together to build the changing family’s future. Divorce doesn’t end the biological child/parent relationship, and children normally want a close, continued friendship with both parents after divorce. Mediation respects and encourages those values.

Mediation can also offer relationship benefits where the couple’s extended families are concerned. In many marriages, the “in-laws” become close friends; an embattled divorce can quickly damage or destroy those friendships. 

Before mediation begins, I assist in designing a letter to be mailed by each spouse to their families. The basic message: “During this difficult time, we are working together toward an agreement that is fair to each of us and our family’s future. Trust us to do what is right.”

Extended families appreciate learning of the couple’s maturity and concern for the important relationships in their lives. As a result, they are less likely to offer unsolicited and unwanted advice, or to take sides during divorce discussions. 

If the couple focuses on future family goals instead of past mistakes, they can build a bridge to a more rewarding relationship with their entire family. Maybe they can even still get together with the ex “in-laws”!