How to Thrive Through the Process of Divorce

By Suzanne E. Grandchamp, Esq.

So, you’re curious about thriving through your divorce. You want to learn how to take the High Road? How to see joy in the midst of pain? How to raise yourself and your children up and out of the misery that can be divorce?

It’s not hard. But it does go against our social conditioning, which makes it seem more difficult than it actually is. Here’s what to do.

You and I have a choice about what thoughts we think. We can choose to think about things that leave us feeling afraid and insecure or hurt and betrayed. If we focus on why our spouse left us, or how little money we have, or how little time we have with our children, then we will feel betrayed, afraid, insecure, and hurt.

We can also choose to think about things that leave us feeling empowered, hopeful, calm, and secure. We do this by focusing on what gives us joy – the simple, everyday things that we often overlook. A warm bath, a good cup of coffee, window shopping, clean sheets, an interesting book, a telephone chat with a caring friend, a long walk. Whatever gives us joy. Perhaps it’s petting your dog or playing with your child. Focus on these things. Be grateful for them. Compartmentalize the divorce. It is only one aspect of your life, and it doesn’t last forever. In my family law practice, it takes my clients, on average, approximately eight months to become divorced. If the average age span of my clients is 80 years, then 8 months out of those 80 years (960 months) is less than one percent (1%) of their entire lives.

Our culture trains us to think about what we don’t want, or what is not right in our lives. How many times have you thought, “I hope I don’t catch that cold” or “I’m too fat” or “My hair doesn’t look right” or “I don’t have enough money”? Our culture focuses on the negative, and so many of us have negative thought loops that repeat and repeat and repeat throughout the day, gumming up the works of our minds. But we can change this pattern.

There are two primary ways to overcome our negative social conditioning. The first way is through affirmations. What is an affirmation? It is a positive statement about yourself, or your life, that is written in the present tense. It is said over and over again, and it gradually edges out the negative conditioning.

Example: “I love and accept myself exactly as I am” replaces “I’m a fat, pathetic loser.”

Example: “I have abundant cash flow, and I manage my money well” replaces “I have no money, and I can’t save a dime.”

Affirmations involve repetition, just like lifting weights at the gym. Over time, you build up your mental muscles, and your focus shifts from what is wrong with life to what is right and joyful and good about life. And what you focus on grows, just like plants. The plant that you water and fertilize grows and blooms.

The second way to beat our social conditioning is to begin to meditate. Why meditate? It is a way to quiet the mind. It helps turn down the volume on all the negative chatter that’s going on in the mind. What is meditation? Simply put, it is sitting still for 10 to 15 minutes a day with your eyes closed, and focusing on your breathing. When you inhale you think “breathing in” and when you exhale you think “breathing out.” At first, lots of thoughts will flow in and out. Let them pass and focus again on your breathing. That’s it.

The combination of affirmations and meditation is very powerful. It quiets the negative chatter and replaces it with positive, affirming thoughts, feelings and experiences. And that is what thriving is all about. That’s the High Road.

If you would like to learn more about affirmations, check out the writings by Louise L. Hay, including You Can Heal Your Life. If you want to learn more about meditation and changing your perception from our negative social conditioning to a positive, joyful one, look to some of the writings by Esther and Jerry Hicks, including Ask and It Is Given.