Design a Stress Strategy for Divorce

By Maren Beckman

Divorce is a time when we need to solve problems and make sound, conscious choices. Big life decisions are determined under some of the most stressful of situations during the divorce process. Once made, the effects of these decisions are lived daily for a very long time. Being the high stress experience that it is, divorce limits access to higher brain functioning, and inner resourcefulness is compromised.

We get in our own way. We have physiological mechanisms that take over to preserve our very beings. Our stress response mechanisms take over. We’re on auto pilot. Some stress rallies us to move and engage with the world. Too much stress pushes us into overload. When this occurs, our bodies release hormones known as cortisol and adrenaline, which break down nutrients for quick fueling of the fight or flight response. These hormones are first on the scene at the feeling of impending threat or danger. This response is mighty useful if we have a hungry, foul-breathed saber-toothed tiger sizing us up for lunch. How many saber-toothed tigers have you run from lately?

Here we are in a stress-inducing situation called divorce. We won’t be running or fighting physically, at least we hope not. So what’s a body to do? The stress hormones function best by closing down all the non-essential body operations. Think hungry tiger. Either we run fast or become lunch. Cortisol shuts down every high-energy function of the body not needed to flee or fight. Our immune system functions, higher brain functions, and emotions are temporarily disabled. The body remarkably prioritizes.

But, here is the problem. We need our emotions as we test out options in the divorce process. We inquire within for gut responses and hunches. When stressed, we cannot access those emotions. Neither can we access the parts of the brain responsible for problem solving, resourcefulness, and creativity. Compassion, empathy, helpfulness, generosity, tenderness, respect, and love are all inaccessible.

Now imagine yourself at mediation. Your spouse and his/her attorney are sitting across the table from you and your attorney, when you have no access to your emotions or higher brain functions. Imagine that your spouse is stressed and emotions are inaccessible. No access to empathy, compassion, respect – the very things you want her or him to have for you as you state your position.

How successfully can you solve problems under such conditions? Obviously, not too well.

Some stress is inevitable. The intensity and personal toll is in our control. It can be managed. When skilled at navigating stress, its impact is significantly reduced. A stress strategy designed beforehand affords clear thinking and focus. Confidence stabilizes. Emotions do not run the show, and satisfactory outcomes are more likely.