1) My spouse and I don't want to be married anymore. We each agree that we should get a divorce. How do I get started?
Well, you are off to a start, but you are missing a few key issues. You first must have "grounds" for divorce.
2) Grounds? What does that mean?
Simply put, that means that you must have a valid reason for the divorce, as authorized by the laws of New Jersey. While the laws are constantly under review (and revisions are currently in the legislature pending approval) only the following reasons are currently accepted in New Jersey:
b) desertion for at least 12 months;
c) extreme cruelty (defined as including any physical or mental cruelty that endangers the safety or health of the plaintiff or makes it improper or unreasonable to expect the plaintiff to continue to live together with the defendant);
d) 18 months of continuous separation, with no reasonable prospect of reconciliation;
e) drug addiction, or habitual drunkenness for a period of 12 or more consecutive months;
f) institutionalization for mental illness for a period of 24 or more consecutive months;
g) imprisonment of the defendant for 18 or more consecutive months;
h) deviant sexual conduct voluntarily performed by the defendant without the consent of the plaintiff.
3) Okay, so we agree that we'll each get a new place to live, and wait 18 months. Is that all I need to do?
I wish it were that easy. Most people are not actually fighting over the reason for the divorce. Rather, they usually disagree over property, alimony, child support and custody/visitation issues.
In order to follow through with your uncontested divorce, you will need to resolve all of those issues.
4) Oh. Is that complicated?
Don't be discouraged. The truth is that most divorces actually are "uncontested." That is, very few cases actually go to trial. Frequently, the people enlist the assistance of attorneys, but over time all of the issues are resolved and they proceed with an uncontested divorce.
With or without an attorney, you and your spouse need to resolve all of the ancillary issues. As I mentioned above, you need to divide all of the assets (personal property, real estate, automobiles, bank accounts, pensions, 401-k and others) and divide all of the debts (mortgage, credit cards, tax liens, etc.). This is known as "equitable distribution."
Then you need to discuss whether there should be alimony, and if so, how much and for how long.
If there are children, you need to decide where the children will live primarily, and where they will call their second home. Make sure you take into account vacations, important religious holidays, and special events such as First Holy Communion or Bar Mitzvah. For the children's sake, it is strongly urged that you adopt a harmonious view on these events, and show the children that you both still love them.
You also need to resolve how much child support will be paid. In the child support issue, make sure you take into account the sharing of day care expenses and uninsured medical expenses. Also, you may want to discuss, or at least agree to discuss at some future date, the issue of college and related expenses for the children.
5) Wow. That's a lot of work. Once we resolve those issues, what do we do?
Now you know why divorce can be so expensive. Obviously, the more cooperative you and your spouse are, the less expensive and traumatic this experience is for everyone.
Once you have resolved all of those issues, you need to put them in writing. Attorneys call the written agreement by names such as "Property Settlement Agreement." Once the Agreement is typed up (it can be written, so long as it is legible), make two more copies of it. Now, you and your spouse each sign all three copies, in the presence of witnesses who also sign the Agreements.
6) Great! Now can I get divorced?
Well, once you have met the specific criteria for one of the grounds for divorce mentioned above, you can file for divorce. Your divorce should proceed relatively smoothly from this point forward. When you get to the final divorce hearing, make sure you provide the third copy of the Agreement to the Judge as proof that there are no issues for him/her to resolve other than whether you are entitled to a divorce.
Best of luck to both of you!
