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Do's and Don'ts for Divorcing Parents

By Bernard Rothman, Esq. - counsel - Sankel, Skurman & McCartin, LLP

Published: July 17, 2004

Do make sure your children know (by specifically telling them) that you love them and that the divorce is not their fault.
Don't have hostile, name-calling fights in front of the children.
Do reassure your child that divorce is not a sign of personal failure or a cause for shame.
Don't ask your child to choose whom he or she loves more or with whom he or she wants to live.
Do establish positive patterns of child care from the beginning of the separation.
Don't let your child feel like he or she is being shuttled between parents.

Do let your child continue being a child.
Don't use the child for emotional support or as someone in whom you confide your deep, dark secrets.
Do encourage the child to have a continued relationship with your ex-spouse.
Don't try to hurt your ex-spouse by discouraging visitation.
Do try to establish and maintain a calm atmosphere and a stable environment.
Don't say negative things about your ex-spouseeven if you feel strongly that they are true.
Do try to establish and maintain regular patterns of visitation.
Don't use your child to deliver messages (especially negative ones) to your ex-spouse.
Do inform your child's teachers about your divorce and about any accompanying changes in living arrangements.
Don't prevent your ex-spouse's parents and other relatives from having access to the child.
Do try to include your spouse in important decisions and events in your child's life.
Don't allow issues of visitation or custody to become linked with those of alimony and child support.
Do continue to reassure your children that even though you and your spouse no longer love each other, you will always love and care for them.