Post-Divorce Parenting

What does it mean to have a child raised by two parents, in two locations, with two sets of ideas? Is it better to pretend to agree or to disagree openly? How can they work together when they are not together?

Probably the most troublesome dilemma facing divorced parents is the continuing conflict between the ex-spouses. Some examples of these parenting conflicts:

• Mother gets furious because ex-husband introduces the children to his girlfriend.
• Father gets angry because ex-wife tells him what to feed his son. 
• Mother gets angry because ex-husband does not feed her son the proper food…the ones he is not allergic to.
• Father gets angry because ex-wife does not inform him when his child is sick.
• Mother feels guilty over having her boyfriend sleep over when her child is with her.
• Mother and father NEVER talk to each other.

The common theme throughout these examples is that divorced parents feel plenty of anger. Well, why is that?

As most people know, the first goal after legal separation is emotional separation. More often than not, though, it takes a substantially longer time to accomplish than legal separation. During this transition period, the ex-partners remain emotionally entangled or enmeshed with each other partly because they hope this will protect their children from the trauma of the divorce. However, it appears that the greater the enmeshment, the worse the post-divorce adjustment for both parents and children.

The anger and guilt that continue after a divorce appear to be a direct result of this enmeshment. For example, a divorced mother reported that she felt guilty and emotionally upset because she did not want to agree to her daughter's request to have her father come over for Christmas dinner. She did not want to disappoint her daughter, yet she could not imagine having dinner with her ex. One way of looking at this situation is that as one partner gets free and less enmeshed, (in this case the mother), he or she begins to feel disloyal to the original bargain of the marriage. The feeling of disloyalty leads to guilt over the children. This, in turn, may lead to a sense of being angry and trapped.

Sometimes, children become involved as agents of enmeshment. If one parent seems needy and lonely, one of the children in the family may deliberately become aligned with that parent, in effect she/he is taking the place of the absent parent. This traps the child in an unhealthy and enmeshed relationship with the needy parent. In one case, a father reported that he was extremely angry and upset with his ex-wife over child support. He believed that he gave her more than enough money, yet his son told him that his mother complained that she could not afford to buy clothes for him because his father did not give enough money. In both these situations, the children are go-betweens. Improved parent communication is preferable to this.

The ultimate goal is to have a relationship between the ex-spouses that is focused on the children and their well being, without destructive and repetitive patterns or behavior. For example, a father reported that his ex-wife was planning a birthday party for their son. The father felt that this was a good idea, but was concerned that it would be costing his ex-wife quite a bit of money, so he called her up to suggest that he help pay for the party. She was pleased and accepted his offer. Later, she called him back and asked if he would like to stop by to attend the party.

There can be a satisfactory outcome to divorce, although this is not accomplished overnight. Once the emotional separation becomes a reality, both parties are more willing to give up the enmeshment. The resulting peacefulness benefits both parents and children.