Stepfamilies: The Ultimate Challenge!

By Alan L. Frankel, LCSW

Stepfamilies often face common scenarios. The stepmom or stepdad has to deal with a stepchild, who may resent them and fear that their stepparent is a threat to their “real mom” or “real dad.” Often, the child may not like their new stepparent, not so much because of who the stepparent is as a person necessarily, as much as the role that he or she represents. Children in stepfamilies will commonly test the stepparent, and it’s only natural for them to do so. When it’s time for the stepparent to set limits with the child, the sparks can start to fly. A child who may have already resented the stepparent now especially resents them, because they “dared to act like a real parent” and tried to discipline them. The child may feel stuck in a loyalty struggle, and even if he really likes the stepparent, he might feel guilty about it. The child may think, or even say: “Who do you think you are? You’re not my real mother or real father!” It can be really tough to be a stepchild.

At this point, the stepparent may be feeling irritated, and it is only natural for him or her to feel that way, too. It is common at this point for the stepparent to also start feeling a little testy. At times like these, stepparenting can be rather taxing. A stepparent may lose patience and become quite annoyed or yell at the stepchild, who may then turn to the biological parent for help. Typically, you may hear something like: “Mom! Roger yelled at me!” or “Dad, your new wife tried to send me to my room, and I didn’t do anything!” Again, it’s “who do think you are, trying to take mother’s (or father’s) place?!”

However, the biggest surprise of all for a stepparent is when he turns to his new spouse for support and often finds instead that his spouse is angry at him, not the child. Now he becomes exasperated, and commonly feels ganged up on by his spouse and stepchild. He may say something like “You expect me to act like a parent, but when I do act like one, you get mad at me. I give up!” It may all feel most unfair. Being a stepparent can indeed be very difficult and may feel thankless at times.

Of course, from the biological parent’s point of view, things can look very different. A biological parent is likely to feel protective or even overprotective of their child, and may be particularly sensitive about all the changes the child has had to endure due to the divorce. This is especially true if the parent is feeling guilty about the divorce and the effect it’s had on the child. So when “Junior” comes into the room, crying and distressed that the stepmom or stepdad has yelled at them or punished them, their natural tendency to protect their child can easily pop up. The biological parent may feel that the stepparent is being too strict or harsh. They may say something like “Can’t you take it a little easier on Junior? Be a little more sensitive to the kid; he’s been through a pretty hard time this year.” The biological parent may feel agitated and conflicted, and become incensed at their new spouse. Or, he or she may also become angry at the child for “creating all this tension” or become angry with both the child and the new spouse simultaneously. This too is only natural, and there may be torn loyalties between their child and their spouse. It’s not easy being a biological parent in a stepfamily, either!

In short, all three roles have their own set of difficulties, and it can be stressful and painful to be in any one of them. In a sense, nobody is to blame, and everybody is to blame. What can people do to ease this situation? One thing many experts suggest is to have the stepparent defer discipline to the biological parent. The stepparent needs to lay low in a sense, and let the biological parent be “the heavy” in situations that call for discipline. The stepparent may do well to try to become more of a “friend” to the child, instead of trying to move into the role of a parent, at least in the early years of the new marriage. The stepparent is wise to move into the role of “the good guy” when possible, and if that’s not possible they should strive to remain neutral or maybe pull back a bit.

The stepparent should try not to move too quickly to assume the full role of parent and should never say “I’m your mommy (or daddy) now.” The biological parent needs to recognize and be aware of the difficult role for the new spouse and be sensitive to it. The stepparent needs to be aware that the biological parent is also in a tricky spot and needs to be sensitive to that as well. Lastly, both the biological parent and the stepparent need to understand that the child is in a tough spot, and that the child may act in an obnoxious manner due to the very stressful and conflicting role that has been cast upon him or her. The couple also needs to support each other as much as possible – for each other’s sake, the child’s sake, the sake of the marriage, and the sake of the new family unit.