Domestic Violence

Domestic violence. Behind closed doors it secretly bruises the lives of nearly four million wives and children, relatives and friends each year.

We've all seen the statistics: an estimated 4 million women in the United States are battered each year by their husbands or partners. Studies show that violence occurs at least once in two-thirds of all marriages. Approximately 95% of the victims of domestic violence are women. And roughly 40% of all physically abused children have also witnessed interspousal physical violence. Finally, many children who are abused, or who witness abuse of their mothers, grow up to become abusive themselves or become victims of domestic violence again. And the circle continues.

Domestic violence can shatter a life as suddenly as a car wreck. Or it can slowly erode physical and emotional well-being with the deadly persistence of a chronic heart condition. But whatever form domestic violence takes, we all know the ultimate result. Unfortunately, we don't always know what to do about it. We don't know where to turn. That fact alone often makes domestic violence a more frightening situation than an auto accident or a heart attack. If you've just been in a car accident, you're most likely in pain and upset. But fortunately, you're usually not alone. Someone will come to help you at the accident scene. Others make sure you get to a hospital. Upon your arrival, an entire team of professionals is responsible for your care. During no step in this entire process are you expected to know what to do next.

The situation is similar if you experience a heart attack. Your responsibility ends once you dial 911. From that point on, you can trust that your needs will be taken care of.

With domestic violence, this is rarely the case. Amid a torrent of confusion, not only won't you be carried to safety, you probably won't even be pointed in the right direction. Your cry for help is only the beginning of a long and confusing process.

Today's courts are different from emergency rooms when it comes to domestic violence. There are no ambulances to take you to the right entrance; no orderlies to take you to the right floor; and no friendly voices to calmly explain your situation. The truth is, the victims of domestic violence are expected to manage their own care in a system they will probably never understand. This clearly isn't right. We need a system for providing knowledge, information and support for victims of domestic violence. For the most part, there is none.

The justice system, as we see it, is society's emergency room. This is especially true in domestic violence cases. We, as lawyers, judges, mental health professionals, clergy and other professionals, run the emergency room for society's non-medical ills.

What we need to do about domestic violence, therefore, is design responses that take the responsibility for care out of the hands of the victim. She should not have to find her own services and she certainly should not have to advocate for herself in front of a judge. In other words, we need to make sure the system takes responsibility for the traumatized person as well as their family.

Family violence is a problem that pervades all of society. It makes no distinctions based on class, immigrant status, or racial, ethnic, or socio-economic background. These factors may, however, provide some insight into a particular woman's needs. You see, it's only when these needs are met that a woman can develop the tools that will finally let her leave her abuser and the violence behind. Her success will depend on her knowing what she'll need from the legal system. She will also need to recognize the means her batterer will use to legitimize his battering as well as the tactics he may employ to maintain control of their relationship. Finally, she will need to believe in the possibility of a new and better life apart from her batterer.

In order for lawyers, doctors, and others in the helping professions to best assist battered women and children, our interventions must be respectful of our client's or patient's background and culture. If we are not sensitive to these issues, we will fail. Before we can provide appropriate care we must first strive to fully understand our patient. We must listen, think, and then carefully respond.

As legal professionals, it is often difficult to resist immediately jumping into the problem-solving mode and telling our clients what to do. After all, we have solutions at the ready in the form of emergency protective orders, civil suits for damages and more. But this would be premature. Our solutions are too often our own ideas and not those of our clients.

Our job is not to knock down doors and single-handedly put an end to a battering case. Rather, our system should respond by providing care for the battered woman. That care must be accompanied with the compassion which lets us listen to and understand the needs of each individual victim.

The battered woman must be able to choose when it is safe to leave and when she is ready. We should only act when asked. Our role isn't to tell our clients what is best for them. Instead we should provide them with the knowledge, information and support they need to decide for themselves.

A doctor asks: "Where does it hurt?" That's because doctors have the luxury of knowing that most human bodies work in the same way. Lawyers, on the other hand, have no such luxury. The mind of each battered woman is unique. We must listen carefully to help her find the right solutions for her.

If we must speak, then we should limit ourselves to five pieces of unsolicited advice that victims tell us are helpful for them to hear:

- I'm afraid for your safety. - I'm afraid for the safety of your children. - It will only get worse. - You deserve better than this. - I'm here for you when you're ready to leave.

It is with this kind of systematic support that we help take some of the responsibility off the shoulders of the battered woman and shift it to the system.

That is our role. If we make information available and then, as lawyers, judges and others within the system, provide the support necessary to help effectuate the decisions of the victim, we will have then successfully fulfilled our obligation to help.

Our firm has represented many battered women over the years and they have taught us a great deal. One of the most important lessons we have learned is that battered women can successfully obtain the protection of the legal system despite its delays and frustrations. But first they must come to visualize a life apart from their abusers. The question for us is: how do we help battered women get to that point?

Once again we help by providing knowledge, information and support every time these things are sought. When an abused woman comes to us seeking help, we should first listen to her needs, concerns and fears. We should ask what will enable her to leave the situation before we tell her what legal, social and medical solutions are available.

We shouldn't provide this information first because doing so limits the woman's options. Her own creative, culturally-sensitive remedies and self-help solutions are often the ones that make her leaving easier now or in the future.

During these conversations with our clients, there is one key point that we must keep foremost in our minds. If we are to effectively support women and help them bring an end to the violence that plagues their lives, we must stop using language, taking actions, and conveying messages that blame the victim. After all, the batterer is responsible for the violence, not the victim. Instead of asking why women stay, we need to ask what it is that enables so many women to finally leave.

An open-ended, non-blaming inquiry of our clients will also help us discover other impediments to leaving. Language barriers, gossip, religion, low self-esteem, and economic dependence are reasons often cited for not leaving the abusive relationship. Ridicule as well as harm to their mates' social status also serve as barriers for some women. If we do not fully understand the obstacles facing an individual woman, we certainly cannot help her overcome them.

In our emergency room, we must learn to listen to what ails our patient. We must help her develop her own solutions. And then we must support those decisions by providing legal solutions to her problems. With this approach she will ultimately succeed. As her trust in us grows, she comes to realize that she can count on us when she is ready to leave her abuser.

As we take care of our clients, we must also take care of ourselves. As helping professionals, we need to understand that leaving a violent home is a process. We must not blame the victim, or ourselves, if she decides to go back. As long as we make ourselves available to provide consistent information, a woman can turn to us as needed. We must always keep this in mind and not become discouraged. This shift in our own view of the situation prevents burn out and keeps us ready for the day when the woman is ready to leave.

While many battered women enter the system via the police, a magistrate or by seeking their own legal solu-tions without an attorney, many also enter through private attorneys. These women include middle- and upper-income women who may turn to a doctor, attorney, minister, counselor or even a financial profes-sional. Unfortunately many of us are ill-equipped to deal with the problems arising from domestic violence.

To truly help, we must prepare ourselves long before these women step into our offices. We need to routinely inquire about domestic violence and educate ourselves on the dynamics of family violence. We should also work with community shelters and agencies so we are ready to offer their services when and if the need arises. Additionally, we must fully understand not only what the legal system has to offer but also its problems and pitfalls. And finally, we need to judge ourselves by a different standard than we have in the past.

Success for us should have three definitions. We have succeeded when a battered woman is assisted by our system and goes on with her life, separated from her abuser in a safe home for herself and her children. We have also succeeded when a battered woman goes back into the relationship with the abuser and, through effective intervention by the system and a treatment program for the abuser, is able to live safely with the abuser by her own choice. And finally, we have succeeded if the battered woman goes back to her abuser, experiences continued violence, and then returns for assistance when she is truly ready to leave.

In many ways, this success is the greatest. It shows us that we have conveyed the message that our door is always open to assist battered women. And importantly, the door swings both ways. She can come and go as she wishes but she will always find knowledge, information and support. She will find professionals who will listen and understand that she is not at fault for staying. And ultimately, she will find the support for her decision when she is ready to leave.

In the end, what a battered woman really needs is a place to turn. By providing that place, we can play an important role in ending the devastating effects of domestic violence.