No doubt, dealing with a divorce is an extreme emotional challenge. Yet, there are some simple things to remember that can help minimize the pain.

1.  Do not adopt any extreme position; no doormats and no Wicked Witches of the West.

Nothing is more painful than to be told that your marriage is over, especially if you do not agree with the idea. There is a temptation to react in extreme ways, either by wanting to give in to all demands in hopes of changing your spouse’s mind, or by becoming the used front door mat. Neither reaction will get you where you need to be. What you need to do is rise above it all. Find a lawyer and follow that lawyer’s advice. Educate yourself as to the laws in your state concerning property, debt, and children, and robe yourself in your knowledge. Extreme behavior can be extremely costly. Should you decide to fight where that fight is not legally warranted, you will be lining your lawyer’s pocket with money needed to represent you and likely will not realize enough profit from that fight. On the other hand, if you give up everything because you are ready to leave the marriage before your partner, or because you think your spouse will come back to you, you risk coming out of the marriage with few assets and potentially a lot of debt. 

A side benefit of taking the high road is the effect on your partner. Rising above your emotions and moving on emotionally will often cause a spouse to reconsider his or her position. You are then in the driver’s seat and can choose to reconcile or not. Either way, you are on the road to emotional recovery, which is the only way you can win in a divorce.

2.  Cut off your dead limb.

A bad marriage is a mill stone around your neck. It weighs you down and you can drown. Or, better put, a bad marriage is a gangrenous limb. If you do not cut it off, it will kill you. Terminating your marriage does hurt, and like a gangrenous limb, you will miss it. But, life awaits you. Getting out of a bad marriage does not mean you won’t miss the marriage or your spouse, or that it will not hurt, but it does mean that you will live better after the “surgery” than you will by dying a little each day in a terminal marriage.

3.  Stuff is stuff.

Partners terminating a marriage are faced with the task of dividing up the booty. You will be tempted to place high values on things of sentimental worth and on things that did cost you or your spouse a bundle when purchased. But, the truth is, unless you have a valuable antique or a Rembrandt painting, your stuff will not have the value you think it does. That lovely candle holder may mean the world to you or to your spouse, but to the divorce judge, it is stuff with only a garage sale value. When deciding what to fight for, remember that you may have a winning position in any trial, but that position may have serious financial side effects. The leather chair you want at all costs may cost you thousands in attorney’s fees and court costs and could have been replaced for a few hundred dollars. Discuss with your lawyer which items have real “fighting” value and what you should be prepared to negotiate away. Honestly, you do not want to win the stuff in a trial at a price that far exceeds the sale value.

4.  When you have children, your ex-spouse will always be a member of your family.

Children do make a marriage harder to leave, and make any divorce linger on. You can divorce a spouse, but not a parent, and your spouse remains your child’s parent. No doubt, it is tempting to sever all ties, but you cannot stop a child from loving or wanting a parent. All children want their parents to stay together, and when this does not happen, all children still desire to love both parents.

The best thing you can do for your child is to recognize this and support your child’s need. It may be impossible for you to see your ex as much as your child wants, but you can make sure that you do not stand in the way of their relationship. The best parents I know have celebrated every holiday since the divorce together with their child and with new spouses and other new family members. No child can lose who has numerous loving family members.

5.  Let go.

Finally, remember that in a divorce you will not have the control you want over the situation. Your spouse may not be in the same emotional position you are, and may be dragging his or her feet. Or the court will be backlogged and you cannot get to trial for months. This is life in the law. When you are up against a wall that can’t be moved, take a deep breath and control what you can control – yourself. Do not be tempted to behave badly, or act like you are single again. This will only make a bad situation worse. Practice mediation or seek a divorce counselor. Do what your lawyer asks you to do and try to relax. Ultimately there is an end to the process and you will have a post-divorce life. How soon and how well you recover from the divorce in large part depends on you.