Virginia Custody Arrangements

Ever order pizza with a group of people? One of you doesn't like sausage and another doesn't like pepperoni, and everybody hates anchovies except for one guy who loves 'em. But only rarely do you have to call in UN peace keeping troops to settle the matter.

Of course, custody negotiations are more serious, but they present the same difficulties. You have a lot of choices, and you might not like some of them, but you ought to be able to select something that will make the people involved reasonably happy. So, let's take a look at what's on the menu.

Virginia law provides for:

• Sole custody: For legal purposes, the custodial parent is the only parent. She -- or he -- has almost all of the rights and all of the responsibilities concerning the child. The other parent may have visitation rights, but that's all.
• Joint legal custody: Even if the child lives most of the time with one parent, both parents are responsible for the child's well-being and both have the right to make decisions about things like religion, school, dating and so forth. This arrangement will work best for parents who share similar values. It won't work if, for example, you and your spouse have always argued about how the kids should be disciplined.
• Joint physical custody: Virginia allows parents to share "physical and custodial care" of their children. Some of the possibilities:
  1. Split custody: Or, one for you and one for me. You get Amber and I get Justin, and we each have visitation with the child that lives with the other parent. This would work well for a dual-military couple, since each of you could have one child on your R.E.D. and could continue to draw full BAQ and VHA. Seriously, folks, be sure your children would be happy with this arrangement. It's hard enough to lose a parent without losing a brother or sister, as well.
  2. Divided custody: Mom might have primary custody during the school year, and Dad would have primary custody during the summer and school vacations. Child support would be payable to whichever parent had custody at the moment. Bear in mind, however, that children are boring little people. They want life to be predictable and consistent. A divided custody plan where they spend two weeks with Mom and two weeks with Dad and two weeks with Mom and two weeks with Dad and so on, back and forth, is confusing and disruptive. Custody should not be what you want, but what your child needs.
  3. "Birdnest" custody: The children continue to live in the home where they have always lived, and the parents move in and out. This sounds crazy, and of course, it works only if the parents have somewhere to go. But it does have short-term possibilities. Let's say you're a young sailor with small children, and your wife doesn't work, and you and she can't resolve your differences. You might agree that she'll occupy the house during the day while you're at work, and stay with friends at night when you're home.
  4. "I'll keep the kids until they're old enough to drive, and then you can have 'em." You probably won't be able to get your ex to agree to this, but it's worth a try.