Virginia Visitation

There is no such thing as a "single parent." Everyone has two parents. (In fact, with artificial insemination, in vitro fertilization, and "blended families," many people have three, five, or a dozen.) If you are the custodial parent following divorce, that simply indicates that your children live with you. Ordinarily, the other parent has as much right to a relationship with the kids as you do. This is what visitation really means.

The best arrangement depends as much on the parents' attitudes as it does on the needs of the children. Some possibilities:

• "Reasonable liberal visitation": This is the most common setup, but it's completely open-ended, and what is "reasonable" to one person might not seem that way to another. A custodial parent sometimes thinks of the child as "her child" the way she thinks of "her car." She isn't exactly enthusiastic about letting her ex borrow it for the weekend.
• Specific dates and times: The children are with you on Thanksgiving in odd-numbered years and Christmas in even-numbered years. Mom picks them up at 6:00 p.m. on Friday and brings them back to Dad's house by Sunday at 7:00 p.m. If your separation agreement calls for visitation on certain days at definite times, it will be much easier to enforce. "Reasonable" might mean anything, but "Fridays at 6:00 p.m." means just that. But remember, until it becomes part of a final divorce decree, a separation agreement is just a contract between two people. You can enforce a contract only by filing a lawsuit, which you might or might not win.
• Limited visitation: If a parent has abused a child, or if the parent's conduct could endanger the child (a Daddy, let's say, with a history of DUI), then he might be allowed to visit no more than a few hours a week, in the presence of another, unrelated adult. Even if your behavior doesn't create a risk of physical harm, a court can restrict what you may do during visitation. For example, if Mommy has moved in with her new boyfriend, she can see the kids only when the boyfriend isn't around.

Some things that don't affect visitation:

• Failure to pay child support. Visitation is not just the parent's privilege. It is also the child's right. Even a parent who contributes nothing to a child's financial needs may still fulfill an emotional need.
• Fault in divorce. A wife who leaves her husband for another man is still entitled to spend time with her children, as long as the children aren't directly exposed to the adultery.
• The fact that you never want to see the noncustodial parent again as long as you live. This is your problem, not your child's.

Finally, be aware that there is no way to predict what might happen to visitation arrangements if one of the parents decides to move out of the area. Suppose custodial Dad decides his job prospects would be better in, say, California. Of course, this will make visitation for Mom, who is stationed here, just about impossible. But if the Virginia court determines that the move would be in the child's best interest, that interest has priority even over the mother's "right" to see her child.