As a psychotherapist about to begin my own divorce process back in 1999, I knew the only way I could approach it was in the most compassionate and conscious way possible. With my eyes and heart open, I committed to stay as far away from its destructive stereotype as I could. I didn’t want my family or myself to suffer anymore emotional pain than our breaking apart was already causing each of us. As prepared as I thought I was, I went through some emotions that I had no idea would hit me. Many people don’t realize that divorce is always emotionally painful in one way or another, and to a greater or lesser degree, even for the spouse who initiates it.

When a marriage ends, often the intense and devastating feelings one experiences will trigger other unresolved and unconscious feelings, causing them to resurface. Trying to deal with difficult issues and emotions that arise in the present (and then having those compounded by ones from the past) can cause an individual to feel very overwhelmed and vulnerable, due to a variety of emotions from anger to anxiety to depression and everything between. It’s with the grace that accompanies the passage of time, along with the resolution of issues, and the working through of emotions that enables a person to transcend their emotional pain. Divorce, like other traumatic events in life, can be a real and powerful opportunity for personal transformation and self-empowerment. Divorce is traumatic because it is an end of life within a life; and the emotional impact of that stressor can rock the psychological foundation of even the strongest individual.

Knowing what I know both professionally and personally about the psychological effects of ending a marriage, I wanted to guide others throughout their experience by offering helpful tools and strategies to most effectively master the psychological dynamics and consequences of divorce. My intention is to work toward ending its negative and destructive stereotype, which is historically promoted and maintained by many professionals assisting individuals with their divorce process. It’s imperative that the legal system and others understand and support the fact that caring to the details of a family’s mental health is just as important as caring to the details in the division of assets and the specifics of the parenting plan.

Divorce and marriage are both psychologically complex. When we first fall in love and commit our lives to the bonds of marriage and partnership, we make a profound investment with another in a shared experience of living life. Losing our investment of a shared identity and a shared life, as a result of a divorce, is often frightening, always painful, and frequently overwhelming. Divorce also presents one with an opportunity to take their losses and transform them into the gains of a new and fulfilling life. Initially, and even for awhile, that can be a hard concept to envision, let alone embrace, especially for the spouse who didn’t initiate their marriage ending, the one who is left in utter disbelief and deep despair.

Psychotherapy’s goal is to move an individual through their emotional pain and into a place of growth and healing, which will enable them to let go of their painful feelings and develop the psychological strength necessary to optimistically begin their new life. Even after the divorce is final, there will be new issues and emotions that arise during what I refer to as The Post-Divorce Phase. This includes adjusting to the transition of newly being single with its associated challenges, such as dating again, co-parenting, and the former spouse’s re-marriage, when and if that should occur.

It is paramount to understand that divorce affects the well-being of the entire family. More often than not, individuals (especially children) feel victimized by the processes of separation and divorce. It is psychologically damaging for a family going through the devastation of breaking apart to be further traumatized by all out divorce warfare. Sadly, and inevitably, battling only results in emotionally wounded casualties, leaving innocent children the hardest hit. This destructiveness needs to stop altogether and a more constructive and compassionate model needs to replace it.

Individuals who have psychological guidance as they move through each stage of their divorce process will be better equipped to make healthier choices for themselves and for their children who, in order to feel safe, need their parents to be rational and not reactive. Children depend upon their parents’ guidance as they navigate throughout this painful and disruptive process; and parents need professional guidance to fully understand their children’s emotional needs during this time.

As challenging as it may be, depending on the circumstances that led to the decision to divorce, respect and cooperation between divorcing parents is absolutely necessary in order to help children effectively cope with their internal and external worlds. Over time, compassion can be nurtured within a divorcing couple, enabling harmony and trust to be established and healing to begin. If compassion can’t initially be felt by one spouse for the other, it can be felt for one’s children (and even for oneself).

In our current society, divorce is clearly a fact of life. Ultimately, it is in the best interest of all of us to end the victimization of divorcing families and approach this process constructively to promote healthy adjustment. This is especially necessary for the protection of all the innocent children (who feel so powerless) caught in the middle of a frightening and unwanted situation. Ending a marriage in a constructive manner will provide the family with the respect and compassion it deserves. Most importantly, it will enable the children to not merely survive but potentially thrive in the throes and aftermath of their parents’ divorce.