If you could move through the pain of divorce easier so you can get on with your life, would you? 

Think of a time when you became frustrated with a new computer. You start reading the instructions only to get more frustrated. You just want the thing to work! We all have been there, but at least we had instructions.

In contrast, consider the human brain. The brain is the most complex and confusing piece of biological machinery ever made; to make matters worse, there are no instructions.

Although we have no instruction manual, other methods have been developed to help us understand those complexities.  Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) looks at human language and behavior to link a person’s perception with behavior. 

For example, picture a spider dangling in front of you. Personally, when I see a spider crawling around my home, I scream. I have a preconceived belief that spiders are something to fear. That is my personal belief and perception. This is then translated into a behavior, which is the scream. 

Now, imagine if that belief could be changed. What if that belief about spiders was changed into something “warm and fuzzy” (have you ever seen someone pet a tarantula and wondered how they could do that)? The reaction would likely be different. Changing and understanding preconceived perceptions and beliefs is the purpose of NLP; when a belief is changed, a behavioral change will likely follow. 

In divorce, frustration and anger are typical feelings. How can a couple handle the situation when these emotions kick in? This is much like a computer. The sooner that program can be rewritten, the faster a person can move on to a more practical state of mind and go on with his or her life.

NLP and the mediation process

Communication is key in mediation, but in order to communicate efficiently we need to get to the core of what each individual wants. To do this, emotion needs to be taken out of the equation so the situation can be viewed rationally.

For example, what’s the goal of a movie? It’s to make you feel like you’re part of the action. Imagine that you’re watching an old black-and-white movie with subtitles. Do you really feel like you’re part of the movie? This format makes the viewer feel removed from the story. 

This is what NLP does with mediation. The goal is to get the parties to look at a situation (e.g., divorce) and see it from a third party point of view. Emotion is removed and the involved parties can make rational decisions.