Impact of Divorce on Children

Under the best of circumstances and in the most amicable of situations, divorce takes its toll on children. In her landmark 25-year study, The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce, researcher Judith Wallerstein disproves the myth that children will "bounce back" after divorce. By re-interviewing subjects she first studied 25 years ago, she found that the ill effects of divorce followed children into adulthood. Wallerstein and her co-authors found that although children do learn to cope with divorce, in adulthood they often feel that their relationships are doomed. They seek to avoid conflict and fear commitment. "My Life as a Game Piece" is an article by an eighth-grader who interviewed a number of kids who spoke about how they experienced their parents' divorce.

Another helpful article is Helping Children Understand Divorce [PDF]. An article published by North Dakota State University, Talking to Children About Divorce, makes lots of useful suggestions and discusses common reactions and problems of kids at "ages and stages" of development.

A brief but invaluable resources is a one-page list published by the Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers entitled Ten Tips for Divorcing Parents. Print it, put it in your medicine cabinet and read it every day.

Children of high-conflict parents are especially at risk to can suffer permanent psychological effects. Parents need to work together to develop a co-parenting plan and strategies that minimize, rather than maximize, the effects on children. Recommended book: The Co-Parenting Survival Guide: Letting Go of Conflict after a Difficult Divorce by Thayer & Zimmerman.

Elements of legal and physical custody

There are two components to custody: legal custody and physical custody. Legal custody relates to decision-making and physical custody has to do with where the child lives. Sole legal custody means that one parent will make all the major non-emergency decisions for the child, including schooling, medical issues, religious education, and the like. Joint legal custody, the most common arrangement, means that the parents make all those decisions jointly. Primary physical custody means that the child resides with one parent primarily and the other parent has co-parenting rights and responsibilities. Shared physical custody means that the child resides with each parent approximately (but not necessarily) half the time. Split physical custody means that children are split up among the parents, i.e. one child to the mother and the other child to the father.

In issuing its orders, the Court shall be guided by the best interests of the child, giving consideration to the wishes of the child if the child is of sufficient age and capable of forming an intelligent preference. The Court may also take into consideration the causes for divorce, if they are relevant to a determination of the best interests of the child. Most often, however, the judges will differentiate and treat differently the issues between the adults and children.

Connecticut has no set age upon which a child can state a preference as to which parent she/he would like to live with. A court will consider a child's preference and take into consideration the child's age and the overall circumstances. The child's preference is not binding upon the court. Parents should never make demands on children to make a choice or talk to them about which parent they would prefer living with. Such conversations are emotionally disturbing to a child. A child's input should be obtained very carefully. It is usually best for such discussions to take place in a safe environment for the child in a session conducted by a professional. Parents should also be aware that children tend to tell the parent asking the questions what that parent wants to hear.