The end of a marriage is possibly the biggest crisis most adults face. It is so common that most of us are shocked at how painful, frightening and difficult divorce can be. And if you are the one who knows that you cannot keep trying, taking the step to divorce is often filled with guilt, especially when it comes to your children. So how do you deal with all of this? You start where you honestly are, making sure to give yourself plenty of time. Initially most people feel overwhelmed by the pain. Many seek comfort in a new relationship. It may feel great to be with someone new, but these relationships only temporarily stop the pain and add more sadness and feelings of failure when they end. What most people actually need is time away from romantic relationships. This is advice we often hear and it is crucial. Time alone allows us to heal from our failed marriage, which takes much longer than most people realize. There are no hard-and-fast rules, but if you have spent most of your adult life with the same person you can expect to need a couple of years to feel strong enough to be in a new relationship.

If you have children, there is another extremely important reason not to get seriously involved with someone new: remember what your kids are probably going through as their parents are getting divorced. Imagine all that you are feeling and add to that the limited coping strategies that children have. Make no mistake; your kids are hurting if you are in the process of getting divorced. This does not mean that you should stay in an unhealthy marriage or that you should punish yourself by not dating. But a new person in your life does give more for them to deal with. Instead of being stuck in the guilt and pain or trying to not feel it by being with someone new, realize that there are many things you can do to help  your kids. Focus your energies on those things. Letting them know you love them and will always be there for them, maintaining as much stability and routine in their lives as possible, and making sure they know the divorce is not their fault in any way are all concrete things you can do to help them.

In order to be there for them, you must first be okay yourself. If you aren’t taking care of yourself you may end up doing things to further damage them. Some of these things include telling them too many details about the divorce, criticizing the other parent, or putting them in the middle in any way. Remember you are talking about their other parent and they love you both. You have to actively guard against all of the above. Even though you may not see yourself as doing or saying any of these things, there may be subtle ways these things are coming across to your kids. Finding time to talk to friends or family about all of this is one thing that will definitely help you to avoid these pitfalls.

Healing from a painful situation always starts with taking very good care of yourself. Divorce is a time for creating a new life. Whether you wanted a new life or not, your old life really is over. There are many losses that come with accepting this, but there is also an opportunity to start down a new road. A great start is to begin looking at the things in your life that you can now control, such as taking that class you’ve considered or starting to golf again. Let go of the things you cannot control, like your ex-spouse, and focus on the new beginnings.