Why Mediation?

Divorce is miserable. It is the product of dashed hopes and ruined dreams, disappointments, resentments—and sometimes betrayals. It is the culmination of months and sometimes years of misery on the part of one or both partners. Divorce causes feelings of inadequacy, guilt, anger, and fear. When children are involved, the unhappiness is compounded. Divorce can destroy a child’s sense of security and wreak havoc on their world.

The process of divorce can create even more misery. By its very nature, litigation is adversarial. It is an attorney’s purpose to stand for his client, and therefore against, the other spouse. Attorneys are trained in the law, not in family relationships or mental health. Their vantage point is that their client is “right”, and therefore the spouse is “wrong”. Unless divorcing couples are in agreement on all issues, the litigious process itself will generate more hard feelings and emotional damage, not to mention tremendous financial expense. A “bitter divorce” creates scars that never heal in the divorcing couple, as well as lifelong emotional issues for the children.

There is a better way: mediation can mitigate the damage of divorce. It is a process in which a mediator, a neutral party and skilled professional, assists disputing parties in finding mutually acceptable solutions to problems ordinarily settled in court. Because mediation is non-adversarial, even while focusing on interpersonal conflict its goal is conflict management and resolution. . Mediation can reduce anxiety by helping participants reach a consensual resolution, prepare them to accept the consequences of their decisions, shift the focus from the cause of the conflict (blame) to how to reduce and manage it, and produce a plan participants can accept. It is a therapeutic process.

Mediation provides a forum in which participants can plan for their children’s future. Divorce is a course of action which produces many changes for the family, especially the children. The mediator can help participants generate creative solutions for their unique situation. Rather than a ruling imposed by an outside party (the judge) resulting in a win/lose conclusion, these solutions are acceptable to both parties, the result of a process of negotiation and compromise.

Mediation is educational; it is a model for future conflict resolution. It assists in family restructuring, deals in a positive manner with temporary periods of irrational behavior, and puts control back with the clients. Because it is the result of mutual decision making, the agreement is more likely to be kept than one which is imposed.

In contrast to litigation, mediation is both private and confidential. Its setting is a comfortable office rather than an unfriendly, windowless courtroom. Participants are on an equal footing with the mediator, rather than subjects under a judge. In addition, mediation is significantly less expensive than litigation.

Mediation, by teaching problem solving skills and providing an experience in conflict resolution, helps participants to heal from the trauma of divorce and move forward in their lives.