Is divorce a consideration for you or someone you know? Are you in the process of a divorce? Would you like to have more control over your divorce and have it be “friendly”? Is divorce bankrupting you? If you answered yes to any of these questions, divorce mediation may be the answer.
Divorce mediation takes the “fighting” out of the process of a “traditional” divorce. A mediator is a neutral third party who assists the parties to the divorce resolve the issues that exist. These issues can include things like parenting time, property issues,and child support.
Initially, the parties meet jointly in the mediator’s office to identify and resolve the issues. By the end of the process, the issues are resolved and the mediation agreement becomes incorporated into the final divorce decree.
Sometimes, a conflict will arise that cannot be resolved with the parties in the same room. When this occurs, the mediator can meet with each party separately and attempt to get the issue resolved so the process can continue. Since private mediation is voluntary, the parties may decide to stop the mediation process at any time should an issue come up that cannot be resolved. In addition, it is important to keep in mind that mediation is most successful when both parties want to resolve the issues in the divorce in a “friendly” manner.
Through mediation, the resolution of the issues involved in the divorce is in the power and control of the parties and not in the hands of attorneys and judges. Nonetheless, this fact does not negate the need for each party to have their own attorney. A mediator cannot give legal advice, and sometimes legal advice is needed. Only a licensed attorney can give legal advice. Your attorney will file the initial complaint for divorce, or any other documents, and participate in all court appearances. It is also possible for parties to represent themselves in court, but it is not recommended when there are property issues and/or issues involving parenting time.
Similarly, a mediator is not a therapist for the parties; therefore, he/she does not counsel them in the traditional sense. What the mediator can do is make a suggestion that one, or both, of the parties might benefit from some counseling if it seems that it would be helpful to the facilitation of the mediation process or the healing process. Divorce is a very painful process whether you are the one who wants it or not. One of the biggest struggles is to keep emotions separate from doing what is best for everyone involved in the divorce – especially any children that may be involved. Furthermore, when there are children involved, the focus of mediating parenting time should be based on what is in the “best interest of the child(ren)”. In the State of Michigan, the “best interest of the child” is the standard that courts are supposed to use when determining any matter that involves custody or visitation. When parties mediating parenting time keep this standard in mind, they are usually able to reach agreement much easier.
In addition, a mediator is not performing an evaluation for the purpose of making a recommendation to the court regarding parenting time. However, if the parties cannot agree on how parenting time will be divided, the mediator may make a recommendation for an independent evaluation. Remember, the mediator is supposed to be a neutral third party. Therefore, a mediator cannot be called as a witness for either party to the divorce.
Another advantage to mediation is that it is cost effective for the parties involved. Most mediations usually last an average of six to eight sessions for two hours each. There may be additional fees for phone calls, letters, or time reviewing documents. Mediation costs an average of $3,000, depending on the complexity of the issues. These costs can be shared by the parties instead of there being two separate fees, thereby making mediation cheaper than going through the traditional divorce process.
Suggested Reading List About Divorce, Mediation, Negotiation, Custody, Children’s Response to Divorce, and Parenting Decisions
Please note that this list is not exhaustive. There are many good books to help adults and children cope with divorce. Many of these books, and others, are available at local libraries or bookstores.
Adler, R. Sharing the Children
Brown, L. K., and Brown, M. Dinosaurs Divorce: A Guide for Changing Families
DeFrain, J., and Elmen, J. On Our Own
Dinkmeyer, D. New Beginnings: Skills for Single Parents and Stepfamily
Edelman, J. The Tao of Negotiation
Galper, M. Joint Custody and Co-Parenting: Sharing Your Child Equally
Gardner, R. A. The Boys and Girls Book About Divorce
Lovenheim, P. Mediate, Don’t Litigate
Trafford, A. Crazy Times: Surviving Divorce
Wallerstein, J., and Kelly, J. Surviving the Breakup: How Children and Parents Cope with Divorce
Ware, C. Sharing Parenthood After Divorce: An Enlightened Custody Guide for Mothers, Fathers, and Kids
Woolley, P. The Custody Handbook
