Forgive everyone concerned. A major theme in my life philosophy is forgiveness. In fact, I believe forgiveness is our function on this planet. Forgiving others and most of all, forgiving ourselves. Begin to affirm for your ex-spouse, "I forgive you for not being the way I wanted you to be. I forgive you and I set you free. I bless you with love and release you to the next person, who will be delighted to have you. And I am free to experience wonderful new relationships." Some of you may feel that your ex-partner has done so many bad things to you that it is impossible to forgive them.
I know it is not always easy to forgive someone you feel has deeply wronged you. By refusing to forgive them, you keep yourself stuck in the past. You let your anger and resentment burn in you, creating illnesses and recreating in your life the very things you don't want. And all the while, the partner you refuse to forgive probably doesn't even know of your pain. So you are not hurting them at all, only yourself.
I believe that we all are doing the very best we can, with the knowledge, information and awareness we have. If your spouse could have done better, they would have. This does not condone poor behavior, it only recognizes that holding on to old hurts keeps you a prisoner of the past. Forgiveness simply means giving it up; letting go. The focus here is on you. There is no way you can create wonderful new experiences if you continue to live in an unhappy past. So forgive and set yourself free. If you feel you simply cannot forgive, begin by affirming several times a day, "I am willing to forgive." All it takes is a little willingness. Remember, this is not done to be kind to someone else, but only for your own peace of mind.
Love yourself. This is a time to be gentle and kind to yourself. Sure, there will be days when you "lose it." There will be times of great insecurity and fear. That is why it is critical for you to be there for you. At least once a week, do something special, just for you. And every day, when you walk by a mirror, look into the mirror at yourself and say, "I love you, just the way you are." If you can't go that far, then say "I'm willing to learn to love you." Refuse to criticize yourself, no matter what. And praise yourself, for every little thing you do. I mean, EVERYTHING! Treat yourself as you would treat someone you really loved, who was hurting. Give yourself the love that someone else didn’t give you, and you will have love for the rest of your life. There is so much love in your heart that you could heal the entire planet. But for now, begin to use this love to heal you. Feel a warmth beginning to glow in your heart center. Let this feeling begin to change the way you think and talk about yourself. Make the effort. You are worth it.
Dealing with the legal issues. You might be saying to yourself, "This is supposed to be a lawyer's guide to dealing with divorce. But there is no advice about legal issues." While it is true I have not spent time here discussing how you can "get" the most out of your divorce, etc., as a holistic lawyer, I believe the above guidelines need to be incorporated, every step of the way, in your divorce process. Maintaining your sanity and damage control are pivotal factors in surviving, growing and learning from the divorce process. I have seen many people become embittered and obsessed with retaliating against their former spouse and everyone loses, especially the children. Judges recognize bias and that party loses credibility in the eyes of the court.
Your own lawyer is in the best position to discuss specific legal issues of your case, such as custody, support and property division. But if you keep the above suggestions foremost in your heart, you will find it is easier both to speak up for yourself and to let go of what is truly unimportant, so that you can move on. Last, but certainly not least, these guidelines will help you deal with the anger and resentment that naturally arises in divorce cases. Losing your temper is probably one of the worst things to do in a divorce and the one most destructive to you. Lose your temper and you lose. Keep your head, listen to your heart, love yourself and you will be the big winner.
Dealing with the pain. I would like to close this discussion with a quote from Emmanuel's Book by Pat Rodegast. The question to Emmanuel is: "How do we experience painful circumstances without becoming embittered by them?" Emmanuel's reply:
"By seeing them as lessons and not as retribution. Trust life, my friends. However far afield life seems to take you, this trip is necessary. You have come to traverse a wide terrain of experience in order to verify where truth lies and where your distortion is in that terrain. You will then be able to return to your home center, your soul self, refreshed and wiser."If we could just understand that every one of our so-called problems is merely an opportunity to grow and change and that we have attracted most of them with our own thoughts! All we really have to do is change our thinking, be willing to release the resentment and be willing to forgive and we will experience miracles in our lives. And then the process of divorce will be simply a stepping-stone on our path to much happier times.
I send you my love and support on your journey, and affirm your ability to succeed.
