An attorney friend of mine recently commented that a competent, honest, dedicated attorney will always succeed against the scheming, aggressive methods of the classic "shark" attorney. I agreed. My 15 years of practice as a family lawyer confirmed that. But what about that honest, decent, competent attorney's client? The lawyer might "win", but would the client? I knew in my heart the answer was "no". The lawyer would have the satisfaction of ultimately "winning" and would be paid for the services rendered. The "winning" client, however, would probably be financially and emotionally drained after spending years embroiled in bitter legal proceedings. Having a judge ultimately declare that he/she was "right" could at best provide fleeting satisfaction in comparison with the time, energy, and money it would take to clean up the mess that was left. Moreover, any hope there might ever have been of having any kind of continuing relationship with the other party, however necessary, would probably be gone. In a divorce where children were involved, not only would the looser lose, the winner would lose, and the children obviously would lose too, since there would always be that tension and remaining bitterness - at weddings, the birth of grandchildren, funerals, etc. This is not a win/lose; or even a lose/lose - this is really a lose/lose/lose.
So can one be a "winner" in a divorce? It is, to be sure, a difficult road. At a time when you most want to give in to feelings of anger, hurt, and resentment, you have to do exactly the opposite. You have to repeatedly set aside your anger, hurt, and resentment. Unfortunately, traditional litigation offers little help in this regard. An alternative method - mediation - is the most effective process to facilitate this. A good mediator is a third, neutral party who, in a peaceful environment, will gently but firmly encourage you and your spouse to set aside your negative feelings and be fair minded, reasonable and considerate of the other party's position.
Even so, you may be thinking, I would be willing to do that but my spouse never will. The only way to find out is to ask. No matter what stage you may be at in your divorce, reaching out to the other side and requesting that he or she attend one mediation session with you may be the best step you ever take in your divorce. You might even consider offering to pay for the first session if the other party is dissatisfied with the process after the session. Since most mediators charge only by the session, and retainers are rarely required, you, your spouse and your children have everything to gain if it works. Successful mediation results in a final agreement which is fair to both parties and takes into consideration the needs and interests of the children. It is usually far less expensive than traditional litigation and much quicker. It is a win/win for you and your spouse, and where children are concerned, a win/win/win!
Joan G. Geiger is an accredited member of the New Jersey Association of Professional Mediators and has been mediating for approximately 7 years. After practicing family law for 15 years, she followed her calling to become a full time mediator and co-founder of WIN*WIN MEDIATION, L.L.C., with locations in Somerset, Middlesex and Hunterdon counties, New Jersey.
