Going through a divorce is a highly emotional and stressful process. Aside from being a complete disruption to your life, getting divorced means CHANGE and assuming responsibility for creating a new way of life for you and your family. Unfortunately, may people view divorce as a negative thing that is responsible for destroying the family unit. In fact, however, divorce does not destroy the family since the family members are still around once the divorce is finalized. Rather, a divorce involves a reorganization of the family unit and as such, requires an adjustment by all family members.
In the typical divorce situation and regardless of the custody arrangement, the wife is still the mother of the children and the husband is still the father. Those parental relationships do not terminate when the marriage ends. Indeed, it is after the divorce that the parental relationships need to be continuously encouraged and fostered by all parties. And in that respect it is critical to the well being of all parties, and especially for the children, that the "family" be reorganized in such a manner that enables and permits all parties to thrive and succeed.
If you accept the notion that all parties must be afforded the opportunity to thrive and succeed after divorce, you are a good candidate for mediation. And that is because mediation is premised principally on the theory that two rational and responsible people can sit down, work through and identify the issues affecting their lives and arrive at a reasonable and fair solution to their problems. This may seem to be an unreasonable expectation for two people who are divorcing, but it is far from impossible if the parties are sincerely interested in preserving the familial relationships and doing what is best for the children.
As we enter the twenty-first century, the more enlightened approach for ict and divorce is through a process called mediation. One approach to mediation is the strategy known as the LARRY principle. LARRY is an acronym for the following concepts that all parties are urged to keep in mind during the mediation process:
LAY ASIDE the past! Going through a divorce is not the time to be a historian. The vast majority of things that happened in the past between you and your spouse are irrelevant to the issues that need to be worked out in the divorce. While these memories may be fueling your anger, deciding to separate your anger from the work that needs to be done in settling your issues with your partner will help facilitate an amicable, quick and less painful resolution to the issues.
ACCEPT the fact there is a dispute and you are part of the conflict that needs to be resolved. Again, a divorce is not the time to become self-righteous and in denial of the fact that the marriage is coming to an end. Regardless of which party initiated the divorce, both parties must take responsibility for the outcome of the settlement.
RECOGNIZE a RELATIONSHIP will exist between you and the other party after the divorce is over. Many people mistakenly feel once the divorce is over, they never have to deal with his/her ex-spouse again. And while that may be true for those couples who do not have children, this is not the case when children are involved. Whether your children are young or older and married, you will always have a "parental" relationship with your ex-spouse. The relationship will be tested time and again at events such as birthdays, little league games, bar mitzvahs, graduations, weddings, funerals and other important life events. You will go a long way in reducing considerable stress and anxiety in the lives of your children if you can appreciate the nature of this relationship from the outset of the divorce.
YIELD to the authority of the other party. This last point is perhaps the most important, though possibly the most difficult to practice. Just as you need to recognize and accept the reality that you will have an ongoing relationship with your ex-spouse, you must respect the parental authority of the other party. This does not mean you must condone or encourage behavior that might be unacceptable to you, such as that your ex-spouse keeps the children up late to watch movies or feeds them a steady diet of McDonalds. Nevertheless, you have to realize your ex-spouse may have views regarding nutrition, personal hygiene, entertainment, etc. that may not be the same as your beliefs or values and for the most part, parents are free to rear their children according to their own notions of acceptable behavior. Again, you must be tolerant of this type of dynamic and understand that while you may not approve of the habits of your ex- spouse, as a practical matter there is not a great deal you can do about it.
By keeping the LARRY principle in mind during and after the divorce, a great deal of frustration can be avoided and you can begin to envision life in new ways that you may have been blind to while in the grips of anger and resentment. While anger and resentment are normal reactions in a divorce situation, most of us have the capacity and ability to rise above our emotions and begin to see things as they actually are and not as we may want them to be. If we are ever going to tap into our capacity to act contrary to our emotions, the most appropriate environment to allow that to happen is in the mediation process.
Anthony J. Serra has been a Mediator for 5 years and an attorney at law for 11 years with a background in business, commercial, real estate and family law. He received his Juris Doctorate from Seton Hall University of Law, Magna Cum Laude. He was on Law Review. He received his Bachelor of Arts in Economics from Drew University. He is married and the proud father of two children.
