The Seven Do’s and Don’ts of Divorce and Children

The following advice is designed to reduce any harm to your children. It will also put you in a more favorable light with the court and any court-appointed psychologists should you be unable to resolve your differences.

You should also keep a parenting journal. However, you should be aware that this may be discoverable in a custody proceeding.

“Don’ts”

1. Divorcing couples have fights. If you didn’t, you might not be divorcing! But don’t drag your children into your fights. Do not bad-mouth you ex-partner in front of the children, no matter how angry he or she makes you. Do not put children in a position where they feel they have to take sides.

2. Once you have explained to the children that you are separating, do not discuss the divorce or financial matters in front of them. 

3. Do not use your children to spy on your ex-partner. Don’t ask them who Mom or Dad is now dating.

4. Do not try and turn your children against your ex-partner. It is not only damaging to the children, but in the long run will backfire against you.

5. Do not use your children as go-betweens to deliver messages, money, or anything else.

6. If you feel sad or angry, do not seek emotional support from your children. Use your family or friends or seek the help of a professional therapist.

7. Resist the temptation to be a Disney-land parent, lavishing gifts and trips to win the affection of your children. Children need to spend quiet time with you, and you should be interested in all aspects of their life including homework, friends, and activities.

“Do’s”

1. Continue to reassure the children that both Mom and Dad will always love them, no matter what. Always take the time to listen to your children about their feelings.

2. Assure your children that your separation is not their fault.

3. Try to maintain the child’s regular routine as much as possible.

4. Be punctual on all visitations. If you have to re-schedule, be considerate and give as much notice as possible.

5. Allow your ex-partner to talk to the children on a regular basis.

6. Be cautious about introducing new partners to your children. Only introduce new partners if the relationship is serious and then only gradually and in neutral territory somewhere other than the home.

7. Take care of yourself. Being a single parent can be overwhelming and you will need time to cope with the change. You will present a better role model to the children if you are positive and healthy.