Am I going crazy?
So, you are going through a divorce. Your mind is wandering and racing. No matter what you do, you cannot get your thoughts under control. You can’t sleep, you can’t eat, and you feel completely overwhelmed. On top of it all, you feel anxious, sad, and indecisive. Is this what plagues you or someone you know everyday? The good news is that you are not going crazy! The truth is that many, if not most, individuals going through a divorce show some degree of anxiety, sadness, depression, and anger, among other things. The bad news is that these feelings do not just go away. Unfortunately, there is no magic pill or easy fix. Plain and simple, this is a miserable position to be in and you have to stay the course. Now, that does not mean that you cannot help yourself out along the way. Contested or not, divorces are among the most stressful events that anyone experiences. Problems develop when these feelings are not properly treated or when they are left unchecked. They can impair your ability to make sound decisions, can limit the amount that you participate in the process, and ultimately may lead to decisions being made that you did not want in the first place. Worse, these feelings may lead to decisions being made that are not in your best interest. These issues must be identified and dealt with appropriately and immediately from the beginning. If not, you may have bigger problems down the road. The question remains though: “How do I deal with this?”
Doctor David Burns, MD., in his book “The Feeling Good Handbook” states that distorted thoughts can lead to unhealthy negative emotions like anxiety, anger, and depression. When going through a divorce, these “distorted thoughts” are the product of a variety of stimuli. “I can’t believe this is happening to me.” “My husband took this.” “My wife did that.” “He thinks he’s a suitable father.” “She's just getting back at me!” “I’ll show her!” You feel like a pinball machine. Your mind is racing, bouncing all over without any direction. What makes it worse is that there is little time for you to properly process any of it and take the appropriate action to correct it. Basically, this is one of the many reasons anxiety develops and explains why you feel so terrible.
Break it down: A three-prong approach
Do you eat a steak in one big bite? Presumably not; you cut it up and eat small bite-sized pieces. The same idea can be used to resolve anxiety issues when they arise. As previously stated, when you are going through a divorce, particularly when it is contested, there are a number of things going on at the same time. They all compete for your immediate attention. Is there any wonder why you feel like this? What do you do? First and foremost, you need to take a break, take a deep breath, and calm down. It may be easier said than done. But, with some willpower you can do it. It is helpful to visualize some of the more important things that are going on. Generally, as a society, we tend to appreciate and understand things better when it can see them. Remember, it is not the anxiety that you are trying to see -- after all, that is pretty obvious. Rather, the underlying issues causing the anxiety must be identified and resolved. Then you can start to feel better. Generally, when thoughts are racing and floating aimlessly in your head, they wreak havoc. Some people describe the feeling as if they are in an endless spiral of gloom -- no beginning, no end, and nothing but a big, dark mess left to show for it. This is what causes the feeling of being overwhelmed and the feelings of anxiety, sadness, and anger. However, when you can visualize these issues, you slow everything down. If you break up all the chaos into manageable pieces, more likely than not you will be on the road to feeling better.
To visualize your thoughts, take a piece of paper and draw three columns, left to right, numbered one through three. [Of course, in the modern world of technology, this can be done with any word processing program]. Then, in the first column in a bulleted format, write down a general, one- or two-word description of issues that need resolution. In the second column, briefly list sub-issues that may encompass the greater overall issue. For the time being, leave the third column blank. Continue this exercise until you feel that you have hit the most important issues that need to be addressed.
In the third column, numerically rank the importance of the listed issues. What you have created is a plan that will help you work through concerns and issues that need attention. During times of confusion and chaos, it is utterly important to maintain control, or at least get a better handle on it. This three-prong approach can help you do that. Though it can be a difficult task to accomplish, it is possible. This exercise, as simplistic as it may be, will help you achieve some clarity regarding various important issues you are facing. Generally speaking, whenever you can break down your issues into manageable pieces, you slow the process down. This, in turn, will help you put things into a better, and perhaps a more appropriate, perspective. Perspective equals control, which equals a more calming effect. Basically, it allows you to see the forest through the trees, though it may not seem like it at the time. This exercise is not limited to big issues. It can also be repeated for less urgent issues once the higher priority ones have been resolved or better managed.
Bigger issues
The process described above is merely a guide to help work through the tough road that divorce may take you down. This is by no means to be used as a substitute for appropriate mental health treatment when or if it is indicated or necessary. This process may not be successful or appropriate for everyone who uses it or attempts to use it. If you are faced with anxiety, depression, etc., you may need to seek professional treatment. The use of talk therapy may be a helpful adjunct. In more serious cases, hospitalization may be the only option, even if for a brief period of time. Medications may be indicated in some instances. If you feel that this may be an appropriate treatment option for you, do not hesitate to consult with your physician. There is a silver lining. In the vast majority of cases, all that is needed is a guide through the emotional chaos and bumpy roads that result from a divorce.
Wrap-up
No one can deny that divorce is a hectic and chaotic time. You may feel anxious and angry and say or do things that are ill-advised. This can be a very delicate time. It may be necessary to discuss ideas with someone else (preferably with someone less emotionally invested in the situation) before you act on them. Your lawyer or personal advisor is a good place to start. Do not let your vulnerability get the best of you. Especially in contested divorce cases, this type of behavior is nothing more than a detriment to your best interest, not to mention inappropriate. Such behavior can exacerbate the entire situation and wind up costing you more in the long run. There are ways to get through this trying time. Yes, the road may seem lonely and bleak. BUT, you do not have to roam it alone! Whether you try the three-prong approach, seek advice from a friend, or seek help from medical professionals, do something to help yourself. You do not have to feel like this forever. Feeling better starts with you. You can and will make it through this painful time. Your feelings will by no means go away tomorrow, next week, or next month. Things will get easier, but it takes time, patience, hard work, determination, and a helping hand.
