(1) If you have not done so already, call a truce with your ex. (Note: Your ex does not have to take the same action.)
(2) Establish a business relationship with your former spouse. The business is the co-parenting of your child(ren). In business relationships there are no emotional attachments or expectations of approval and emotional support. Appointments are made to talk about business, meetings take place, agendas are provided, and discussions focus on the business at hand. Everyone is polite, formal courtesies are observed, communication is direct, and agreements are explicit, clear, and written. You do not need to like the people you do business with, but you do need to put negative feelings aside in order to conduct business. Relating in a business-like way with a former spouse can feel strange and awkward. If you catch yourself behaving in an “unbusiness”-like way, end the conversation and continue the discussion at another time.
(3) Divorced parents can succeed at co-parenting in divorce.
(4) Give the other parent the benefit of the doubt. Do not second-guess him/her regarding discipline or rewards.
(5) Do not suggest possible plans or make time arrangements directly with children under 12 years of age. Always confirm any arrangements you have discussed with an older child with the other parent as soon as possible.
(6) Send and return children who are clean, rested, and fed.
(7) Do not use an answering machine or caller ID to screen calls from the other parent, or limit telephone access between your children and the other parent. Ensure that the children are available to speak to the other parent on the telephone up until their actual bedtimes.
(8) Do not discuss divorce disputes with your children or allow them to hear you discuss these issues with others. Do not speak ill of the other parent or his/her relatives, friends, or loved ones in front of the children. Do not use body language, facial expressions, or other subtleties to express negative thoughts and emotions about the other parent. Your child can read you!
(9) You can discuss your feelings with your children to the extent that they can understand them. Let them know that they cannot “fix” your feelings and these feelings will pass.
(10) Do not send messages or money with your children.
(11) Support your children’s right to visit their grandparents and extended family. Children benefit from knowing their roots and heritage. Remember, neither extended family is better or worse than the other – they are just different.
(12) Do not ask your children for information about the other parent’s household, friends, income, or activities.
(13) Do not believe everything you hear from your children.
(14) Do not act as a mediator, referee, or defense attorney between your children and the other parent.
(15) At pick-up time, do not honk your horn in front of the other parent’s house. However, don’t go in either – unless you are invited in.
(16) Always be on time for pick-up and drop-off and have the children ready to go.
(17) Transfers can be painful times. Be kind and patient with each other and your children.
(18) Never put your children in a position where they have to choose between their parents or decide where their allegiance lies.
(19) Do not take it personally if your teenager prefers to be with his/her friends. Don’t push, but remain available. If you feel rejected and back off, your teen may feel rejected in return.
(20) Expect that your children may feel confused, guilty, sad, and/or abandoned in response to the divorce. Acknowledge their feelings as normal and remind them that even though the family is undergoing a major change, you and their Dad/Mom will always be their parents.
(21) Remember, even if the other parent disappoints your child or fails to honor a time commitment, you should tell the child that in spite of his/her shortcomings, the other parent loves the child very much.
(22) If your kids want to talk, shut up and listen.
(23) Keep your children informed about the day-to-day details of their lives and your separation/divorce in a way that they can understand.
(24) Maintain as many security anchors (continuation of relationships, rituals, and the environment) as possible for your children.
(25) Don’t overindulge your children out of guilt or in an attempt to “buy” them. Children want to stay up late, but they need rest. Children want candy, but they need vegetables. Children want to watch TV, but they need to do homework and maintain relationships with others. Children express financial wants but they have emotional needs. Give your children a small amount of what they want and a lot of what they need.
(26) Remember, no one is all bad or all good. Be honest (with yourself) about your own strengths and weaknesses and those of your ex.
(27) Be consistent in how you discipline your children. Set boundaries, give them freedom within a limited area, and enforce rules outside of their “corral.”
(28) Don’t give false hopes of reunification.
(29) If you need to change the schedule, notify the other parent as soon as possible.
(30) Your child’s relationship with his parents will influence his relationships for the rest of his life. Allow him to love both parents without fear of angering or hurting the other.
(31) Share good memories, but do not live in the past.
(32) Remember that schedules will have to change from time to time to accommodate the other parent and your child’s development.
(33) Consider separating your children occasionally, in order to have individual time with each child.
(34) Introduce your child to neighborhood children, so that she may have playmates at her second home.
(35) Consider holding weekly family meetings with a rotating chair to discuss chores, problems, schedules, plans, and weekly challenges.
(36) Don’t forget old family traditions and rituals – practice them and create new ones.
(37) Be willing to separate your needs from the needs of your children. Make their needs the priority.
(38) Keep parenting issues separate from money issues.
(39) You are stuck with each other. One day, you will be Grandma and Grandpa to the same babies. Consider working together to rebuild trust and communication. You have a long time ahead of you. Be patient; emotional wounds need time to heal.
(40) If possible, tell your children about the pending separation together before one parent leaves. Plan a transition time if you can.
(41) Remember to tell your children:
(a) Your father/mother and I made the choice to divorce because we thought it would be best for everyone.
(b) Both your father/mother and I love you and will always love you. The love that a parent has for a child never ends.
(c) Your mother/father and I are working together to make sure we take care of you.
(d) Your mother/father and I each have a special relationship with you. You can love us both and never feel that it means choosing between us, just like each of us loves you and your brother/sister.
(42) Ensure that boyfriends, girlfriends, and potential stepparents go slow, stay out of the divorce, and don’t interfere in a child’s relationship with either of his/her natural parents. Do not encourage the child to call potential stepparents Mom or Dad.
(43) Children, of any age, may be hesitant to spend time with the non-residential parent. There can be a variety of reasons for this behavior. Both parents should encourage the child to go.
(44) If you are not united it will confuse the child and confirm to him that he can manipulate you.
(45) If you are a long-distance parent:
(a) Watch TV together. Let your children know that you will be watching their favorite shows and ready to talk about them.
(b) Give your children pre-addressed, stamped manila envelopes so that they can send you schoolwork and other paperwork.
(c) Make audio and video tapes for each other. Nothing to say? Record yourself reading a book and mail the book and tape to your child.
(d) Remember small events. Send cards, pictures, and letters for Halloween, Valentine’s Day, Independence Day, etc.
(e) Set up web cams on your computer and your kids’ computers.
(f) Make sure that your kids have cell phones with your number programmed in. Learn to send them text messages.
(g) Keep up with schoolwork. Send teachers pre-addressed, stamped manila envelopes so that it’s easy to send you updates. If you hear nothing, be sure to initiate communications with teachers by telephone and email.
(46) Divorce is not an event, it is a process. Allow yourself, your ex-spouse, and your children at least two years for readjustment.
(47) Divorce, in itself, will not destroy your children. It is your reaction to the divorce that has the power to destroy their coping mechanisms.
(48) Don’t use your children to fill your need for companionship. If you don’t have one, GET A LIFE! This is crucial to the recovery of you and your children. Seek out support from friends, family, support groups, a divorce coach, and, if necessary, from a licensed mental health professional. Consider joining Parents-Without-Partners, Co-Dependent’s Anonymous, or a church group for divorced/widowed persons.
(49) Dissolving a marriage doesn’t end the family or dissolve your parenting obligations. In fact, while a family is undergoing the restructuring process, the children need strong and caring parents more then ever. If you and/or your ex are too emotionally drained to be those parents, find temporary substitutes who can give your kids what they need.
(50) Every child needs at least one loving, stable parent. It is YOUR responsibility to be that parent.
