Divorce is a loss. Some have even compared the loss of divorce to that of the death of a spouse. Some may even argue this point and say they wish their spouse would die instead of leaving them through divorce. Either way, loss of a spouse due to death or divorce is painful. With loss, comes grief. Simply put, grief encompasses the emotions that one experiences following a loss. However, what is grief and how does it impact the divorce process? Furthermore, how do these adult loss and grief issues impact one’s ability to co-parent effectively?
First, let’s discuss a few of the losses that are part of a divorce: loss of companionship, loss of financial security, loss of a sexual relationship, loss of time with children, loss of an extended family, loss of status as a married person, loss of self-esteem, loss of friends, etc. All the while, one has to continue to deal with the former partner in issues of separating property, dividing assets, dividing debt, and figuring out parenting time. The reality is that you have to find a way to communicate, and even be civil, with the other person in order to “finalize the divorce”. And, even when the divorce is final in legal terms, the grief process is still happening and the divorce is not final from an emotional perspective. Then, consider that day-to-day dealings with the other person concerning parenting issues may continue.
The remainder of this article will talk about what grief is and how it can interfere in the divorce process and in effective co-parenting.
The Stages of Grief
The reaction to loss is called grief. According to Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, who is best known for her work with dying patients and their families, there are five stages to the grieving process. These stages are denial, bargaining, anger, depression, and acceptance. These stages are extremely applicable to divorcing and divorced parents, divorcing persons in general, and to those parents who were never married and experienced a dissolved relationship. Each of the stages will be discussed briefly below.
Denial is when someone believes, in spite of all evidence to the contrary, that the relationship can still be saved and that the other person is going to “come around” and want to reconcile. The person still knows that the other has asked for a divorce or separation; on the other hand, there is disbelief that it could really happen.
Bargaining is when someone reasons “If only . . . then he/she would not be ending the relationship.”
Anger may be manifested by thoughts such as “How could you do this to our family?” Very frequently, when there is anger, communication cannot happen and neither can an amicable resolution. Angry people cause high-conflict divorces that take time and usually large amounts of money. In the end, nobody “wins” and everyone is miserable. If there are children involved, they suffer the most because their parents’ anger usually results in the children being put in the middle and being used as pawns in the adult battle. It is important to keep in mind that underneath anger there is usually unresolved hurt. If the hurt can be effectively worked through, the anger can get resolved more quickly and a healthier resolution to the divorce is more likely.
Depression is sadness about the loss. Some sadness is of course normal and expected. Persistent sadness, or depression, that does not get resolved during the divorce process can result in one person feeling like the victim because he or she really does not have the strength to make informed decisions. The depressed person can feel paralyzed and unable to speak freely. However, if you find that you are sad more days than not, i.e., most days for two weeks or more, and if that sadness interferes with your life in some way, you probably need to discuss it with a professional. If the depression can be lifted, the person can be more actively involved in the divorce process and make more informed choices about the things that will affect his or her future.
Acceptance means that a person has come to terms with the fact that the divorce or separation will or has happened. However, a person can still experience the other stages for some time to come.
People will go through these stages in a logical order for who they are and what their life experiences have been in relation to losses. It is typical for the grieving process to last at least one year. It can last longer if someone gets stuck in a cycle of anger, bargaining, and denial. If you feel that you are stuck in the grieving process (angry all the time; sadness that interferes in your job, daily living, or relationships with family and friends), then it is important to consult with a therapist to help you work through your emotions so that you can facilitate an appropriate resolution to the issues in your divorce or separation.
Loss, Grief, and Effective Co-Parenting
Your spouse has asked for a divorce and there are children involved. The request has come as a surprise. You cannot believe what you are hearing since you do not recall any clues (denial). Once the dust settles, you may feel sad, angry, hurt, or think “If only . . .” Or all of these things may be happening.
It is difficult to think about having an effective relationship with your children’s other parent when you are hurt or angry. There is a tendency to feel that you are the only one that can parent your children effectively. After all, this would not be happening but for the other parent. Add to that the fact that you can’t seem to agree on even the simplest of things.
The reality is that emotions are most likely getting in the way. I have two children of my own and it is a very emotional experience raising them. On top of the regular emotions of raising children, add the emotions related to the divorce. There is a tendency to “hold on” to children even tighter. Children often become caught in the middle of the adult battle because that is easier than addressing the real issues. It isn’t really easier though, because when parents fight over children, they know it. Furthermore, putting children in this position usually results in adjustment issues, which tend to translate into adult issues. Thus, the cycle continues.
So, how do you co-parent effectively with all of these emotions? Here are some basic suggestions:
1. Always make decisions about the children with the other parent away from the children. Once the decision is made, especially if it is a major one (school, moving, religion, what activities they will participate in, etc.), jointly share the decision with your children. If you do not feel you can do this, get into counseling to address the emotional issues that are getting in the way.
2. Always discuss situations with your co-parent calmly and with impartiality. When you do it from your position, your co-parent is more likely to not really hear you and defend from his/her position. You should always say things from the standpoint of what was observed, heard, or said. Then ask for the co-parent’s perspective. The next step would be to generate options for resolution.
3. Always remember that children have a right to have a positive relationship with both parents and all family members on both sides. It is each parent’s job to encourage that.
4. Remember that children are children. It is important to keep adult issues away from them (your co-parent’s affair, money matters, etc.).
5. If you and your co-parent are not able to do these things, it is important to seek a qualified mediator to help you work through some of these issues.
Remember that you and your co-parent gave life to your children. It is the responsibility of both of you to raise them. You do not have to agree on every little detail, but you do need to provide consistency with the major details. Learn to respect the other parent and the differences that exist. Each parent has strengths that he or she brings to the parenting relationship, and children need all the strengths you can give them.
