Rate Your Mate

Rate Your Mate

Are you and your mate compatible?

Introduction

While many people believe divorce lawyers deal only with failed marriages, in fact, the typical family law attorney sees clients interacting at various stages - from courtship to breakup and beyond. Familiarity with interpersonal relations creates a heightened awareness of what works and what doesn’t between spouses.

The “Rate Your Mate Divorce Quiz” is a multi-part test based on the author’s experience as a divorce lawyer. The test highlights key areas such as mutual respect, common interests, children, money, and personal safety. While the test is not scientific, it deals with issues most couples face. The results can help you determine the odds of maintaining a strong, healthy relationship.

Instructions

Each section is scored individually. After rating each question, total your score for that section. A sum over 50% of the possible total indicates a favorable rating in that category. Refer to the corresponding Comments for the 50% threshold.

---

I. Everyday Actions

Does your mate:	Rating:
Remember your birthday and special events	Choose Never Rarely Sometimes Often
Know your favorite color, food, movies, and similar preferences	Choose Never Rarely Sometimes Often
Compliment your appearance	Choose Never Rarely Sometimes Often
Say “I love you”	Choose Never Rarely Sometimes Often
Smile when you enter a room	Choose Never Rarely Sometimes Often
Run errands for you	Choose Never Rarely Sometimes Often
Eat a meal with you once a day	Choose Never Rarely Sometimes Often
Prepare a meal for you	Choose Never Rarely Sometimes Often
Take you to a favorite restaurant	Choose Never Rarely Sometimes Often
Plan a special day with you	Choose Never Rarely Sometimes Often
Call you when away from home for more than a day	Choose Never Rarely Sometimes Often
Do a fair share of household chores	Choose Never Rarely Sometimes Often
Tell you when something upsets him or her	Choose Never Rarely Sometimes Often
Laugh at your jokes	Choose Never Rarely Sometimes Often

Comments: Highest score is 56; a score of 29 is over 50%.

Fairness means each partner does something that enhances the couple’s lifestyle: each receives the benefits of their joint efforts. Over time, one partner may begin to do more or less than the other, which results in resentment and discontent.

Like any human enterprise, a division of labor within the family makes sense. In strong relationships both partners value the other’s contributions. In weak relationships, one partner overvalues his or her contribution and devalues the contributions of the partner.

Recent research by sociologist Terri Orbuch suggests that divorce is less likely for men who receive positive affirmations from their wives such as “I love you” or “You’re important to me.” Wives who lacked affirmations from their husbands did not carry the same risk of divorce. Ms. Orbuch reasoned that women’s more extensive networks provided affirmations lacking from marital partners.

---

II. Mutual Respect and Common Interests

Does your mate:	Rating:
Treat you respectfully	Choose Never Rarely Sometimes Often
Speak highly of you to other people	Choose Never Rarely Sometimes Often
Include you in conversations when talking to other people	Choose Never Rarely Sometimes Often
Refrain from using profanity when arguing with you	Choose Never Rarely Sometimes Often
Speak truthfully, not hurtfully	Choose Never Rarely Sometimes Often
Talk with you before making social plans	Choose Never Rarely Sometimes Often
Listen when you talk	Choose Never Rarely Sometimes Often
Share feelings, ideas, and information freely	Choose Never Rarely Sometimes Often
Show an interest in activities you like	Choose Never Rarely Sometimes Often
Spend at least 5 minutes a day talking to you	Choose Never Rarely Sometimes Often
Share a favorite book, TV program, interest, or activity	Choose Never Rarely Sometimes Often
Invite you to join in his/her activities	Choose Never Rarely Sometimes Often
Accept your refusal to join in his/her activities	Choose Never Rarely Sometimes Often
Share similar religious and/or political beliefs	Choose Never Rarely Sometimes Often
Tolerate your religious and/or political beliefs if different	Choose Never Rarely Sometimes Often
Share similar attitudes about sex and fidelity	Choose Never Rarely Sometimes Often
Share a similar style of communication                                            (e.g., avoidance, argumentative, etc.)	Choose Never Rarely Sometimes Often
Join same religious, cultural, social, or athletic organizations	Choose Never Rarely Sometimes Often
Travel/vacation with you for pleasure	Choose Never Rarely Sometimes Often

Comments: Highest score is 76; a score of 39 is over 50%.

Some experts believe common interests and values are vitally important to the success of a marriage. Others contend that communication styles are even more important. For example, if both partners communicate well, and are able to validate the other’s thoughts and feelings, their relationship has a good chance of surviving, in contrast to a marriage between one spouse that argues passionately and another who retreats into silence: resulting in failed communication.

Ms. Orbuch’s research suggests that couples who use constructive styles of conflict resolution are more likely to stay together. Aggressive behavior and shouting matches contribute to the risk of divorce, unless both parties like to argue heatedly, according to John Gottman of the Gottman Institute.

---

III. Children

Does your mate:	Rating:
Share an interest in raising children	Choose Never Rarely Sometimes Often
Support you when you discipline the children	Choose Never Rarely Sometimes Often
Get up in the middle of the night to comfort the child	Choose Never Rarely Sometimes Often
Leave work to care for a sick child	Choose Never Rarely Sometimes Often
Change diapers	Choose Never Rarely Sometimes Often
Feed the children	Choose Never Rarely Sometimes Often
Drive children to and from their activities	Choose Never Rarely Sometimes Often
Stay familiar with children’s teachers, doctors, friends, activities	Choose Never Rarely Sometimes Often
Attend parent-teacher meetings	Choose Never Rarely Sometimes Often
Participate in choosing schools and health care providers	Choose Never Rarely Sometimes Often
Oversee children’s homework	Choose Never Rarely Sometimes Often
Attend children’s routine medical appointments	Choose Never Rarely Sometimes Often
Welcome your children from a prior relationship into your home	Choose Never Rarely Sometimes Often
Treat your children as he would his/her own	Choose Never Rarely Sometimes Often

Comment: Highest score is 56; a score of 29 is over 50%.

---

IV. Money

Does your mate:	Rating:
Spend sensibly	Choose Never Rarely Sometimes Often
Pay a fair share of expenses	Choose Never Rarely Sometimes Often
Plan for your financial security	Choose Never Rarely Sometimes Often
Share similar attitudes about money and finances	Choose Never Rarely Sometimes Often
Encourage/maintain joint financial accounts	Choose Never Rarely Sometimes Often
Insist on openness in dealing with finances	Choose Never Rarely Sometimes Often

Comments: Highest score is 24; a score of 13 is over 50%.

---

V. Friends/Family and Work/Career

Does your mate:	Rating:
Come from an intact family	Choose Never Rarely Sometimes Often
Have friends or coworkers who demonstrate strong relationships	Choose Never Rarely Sometimes Often
Support your relationship with your friends and family	Choose Never Rarely Sometimes Often
Share holidays with his/her family and yours	Choose Never Rarely Sometimes Often
Stay neutral in dealing with your former mate	Choose Never Rarely Sometimes Often
Encourage your work and career	Choose Never Rarely Sometimes Often
Entertain your clients, customers, coworkers, and supervisors	Choose Never Rarely Sometimes Often
Work a reasonable amount	Choose Never Rarely Sometimes Often
Maintain a steady job	Choose Never Rarely Sometimes Often

Comments: Highest score is 36; a score of 19 is over 50%.

Research shows that people who come from divorced families and those surrounded by divorced colleagues and friends are more likely to divorce.

---

VI. Health and Personal Safety

Does your mate:	Rating:
Use alcohol in moderation	Choose Never Rarely Sometimes Often
Refrain from high-risk behavior	Choose Never Rarely Sometimes Often
Take appropriate care of his/her health	Choose Never Rarely Sometimes Often
Demonstrate impulse control	Choose Never Rarely Sometimes Often
Take an interest in your health	Choose Never Rarely Sometimes Often
Make you feel safe	Choose Never Rarely Sometimes Often
Control his/her anger and emotions	Choose Never Rarely Sometimes Often
Refrain from threatening you, a loved one, or a pet	Choose Never Rarely Sometimes Often
Like you	Choose Never Rarely Sometimes Often
Make you happy	Choose Never Rarely Sometimes Often

Comments: Highest score is 40; a score of 21 is over 50%.

This section is a very important measure of any relationship. If personal safety or physical and emotional health are threatened, other aspects of a relationship, such as common interests and money matters become far less important. If you’re in an abusive relationship and need help, please visit the National Domestic Violence Hotline’s website, or contact them at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).

Conclusion

This test contains many of the same questions lawyers ask clients in order to evaluate a divorce case. Of course, a thorough legal analysis goes well beyond the scope of “Rate Your Mate Divorce Quiz.” This quiz is nothing more than a tool you can use to ask yourself some important questions about your relationship, and take some time to really consider your answers. You may feel completely secure in your marriage, regardless of this quiz, or it may help you identify some areas that need to be addressed.

If you’re thinking about divorce, but don’t know where to begin, you may want to review some of the other articles on www.divorcenet.com, or set up a consultation with a family law attorney in your area.