What to Do If Your Ex Is Stalking You

Most stalking cases involve a previous relationship between the stalker and the victim. In fact, divorced or separated spouses are more likely than others to be stalked by their former partners. If your ex is stalking you, get the police and courts involved as soon as you begin to feel concerned. Stalking is a serious crime and you are entitled to protection.

Just as you would if you were dealing with domestic violence, make sure people around you know what’s going on and can support you. You should also have a safety plan. For more information about taking these important steps, see "Leaving an Abusive Relationship: How to Protect Yourself."

What Is Stalking?

Though the specific legal definition varies from state to state, any repeated, unwanted contact that frightens you or makes you feel threatened most likely constitutes stalking.

At first, stalking might seem harmless enough, involving actions that are perfectly legal under ordinary circumstances—like calling you or sending emails, text messages, or even gifts. However, what may seem innocent in the beginning can cross the line into stalking when the behavior is frequent and makes you feel threatened or uncomfortable. Usually, the stalker is attempting to force a relationship that you don’t want.

If your ex is engaging in any of the following behaviors, you may be a victim of stalking:

• calling when you ask him not to
• sending you unwanted letters, emails, or text messages
• giving you gifts that you don’t want
• following you or showing up where you are without good reason
• gathering information about you
• spreading rumors or posting personal information about you
• refusing to leave you alone, even after you ask.

If you think your ex may be stalking you, begin to keep a detailed record of each incident that makes you uneasy. Below, you’ll find a link to a stalking behavior log that you can print out.

You May Be In Danger

If you don’t respond the way the stalker wants you to, the situation may get worse. Your ex may try to force you into a relationship by intimidating or threatening you. When thwarted, some stalkers become violent. For this reason, you must not downplay your misgivings or fear. Take action to protect yourself and put an end to the stalking behavior.

Begin by contacting the police to report the stalker. You might also want to petition the court for a restraining order that prohibits the stalker from having any contact with you. Learn more about How to Get a Restraining Order.

For More Help

It's also helpful to learn about stalking laws in your state and what local resources are available. Check out the resources below to get started. When in immediate danger, call 911.

• Resource center. National Center for Victims of Crime: Stalking Resource Center offers a number of good resources to assist stalking victims.
• Safety planning. National Domestic Violence Hotline provides guidelines and tips for stalking safety planning.
• State laws. WomensLaw.org provides 50-state guides to victims' laws, including stalking laws (after choosing your state, click on "Crimes").
• Stalking log. Family Justice Center Alliance offers a printable stalking incident and behavior log.
• Confidential referrals. The VictimConnect Resource Center provides confidential referrals for crime victims and offers numerous resources.
• Legal articles and victim resources. Nolo provides links to organizations that assist victims, as well as articles that explain various legal issues, at Resources for Victims of Crime.