10 Things You Should Know About Divorce

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When a marriage ends, families often face a perfect storm of stressful events: new living arrangements, parenting schedules, and of course, decisions about property and money. The emotions caused by these changes can make it difficult for spouses to understand the legal process of divorce—and may even impair their ability to make sound decisions. Getting through a divorce should be easier if you're prepared and informed. Here are some tips to help guide you through this difficult time.

1. Don't Expect to "Win" Your Divorce Case

A lot of people start their divorce hoping to "beat" their spouse in court. The end of a marriage usually involves a lot of anger and resentment, and it's all too easy to take those emotions into the divorce itself. But there's seldom one winner and one loser in divorce.

You'll need to resolve a range of issues when you're getting divorced, such as how to divide your property, alimony (spousal support), and, if you have children, child custody and child support. Rarely will one of you end up with everything you wanted. For example, you might get primary physical custody of your children but receive far less spousal support than you wanted.

If you're hell-bent on winning your divorce, consider the consequences. Even if you can afford to spend a lot of money on a drawn-out court battle, it will prolong and worsen the stress for everyone involved—especially your kids. And it still might not get you the results you want.

2. Don't Make Important Decisions Without Thinking Them Through

While some people have the impulse to fight over everything in a divorce, others have the opposite impulse: In their desire to get the divorce over with as soon as possible, they make decisions too quickly. Some of those decisions have long-term consequences. For instance, what will you do with the family home? Do you really need to sell it now, or are there other alternatives? And if you move out during the divorce, will that affect your chances of getting custody of your kids?

If you need help understanding the potential consequences of a decision, get advice from an experienced family lawyer or another appropriate professional, such as a financial advisor.

3. Focus on What's Best for Your Kids

It's easy to get wrapped up in the heat of the moment. However, it can have a lasting effect if you say cruel things to (or about) your spouse in front of your children. Psychological studies show that the more parents fight during a divorce, the more damaging the whole process is to the children. Whenever you're about to say something hurtful, give yourself some time to think before you speak. A simple rule to follow is to count to ten before you answer a question or make a statement.

Remember that your kids will almost always continue to have a relationship with their other parent. Judges and state laws recognize that it's best for children to have frequent and continuing contact with both of their parents. Unless your co-parent is endangering your children through abuse or neglect, you shouldn't discourage or interfere with a healthy parent-child bond. Otherwise, you risk being accused of parental alienation—which might lead to losing custody or having your kids sent to reunification therapy.

There are many steps you can take to develop positive co-parenting through divorce and help your children through the process. But if your kids are struggling emotionally despite your best efforts, you may want to get counseling for them with a mental health professional. You may also consider counseling for yourself, to help work through your divorce grief and ensure that your feelings don't get in the way of your children's needs.

4. Don't Believe Everything Other People Tell You About Their Divorce

Your divorced friends may give you advice about what should happen in your divorce. Unfortunately, that advice is often misplaced, misleading, or just plain wrong.

Every divorce is unique. Your friends may believe what happened in their divorce is typical, but it's best not to base your decisions on someone else's experiences. Instead, rely on the advice you get from your attorney, mental health professionals, and financial consultants, all of whom are familiar with the specifics of your case. Or do your own research on divorce, including how the divorce laws in your state may apply to your situation.

5. Divorce Doesn't Have To Be So Expensive

You've probably heard or read many horror stories about people paying enormous sums to get divorced—especially celebrities with money to burn. But the cost of divorce can vary widely, from just a few hundred dollars to several thousand (or more). The price tag for your divorce will depend on your specific circumstances—and you have control over some of those circumstances.

If you and your spouse can agree about all of the issues involved in ending your marriage and sign a comprehensive divorce settlement agreement, you'll be able to avoid an expensive court battle—the biggest driver of divorce costs.

Also, if you meet the qualifications for an uncontested divorce in your state (including having a settlement agreement before you start the process), you might be able to handle your divorce without hiring a lawyer. When that's the case, you may not have to pay much more than the court fees to file for divorce in your state (which range from about $100 to over $400). If you need help with the paperwork, you can expect to pay an extra $150 to $500 for a service that helps you file for divorce online.

Even if you need mediation to reach an agreement (more on that below), the typical cost of divorce mediation is considerably lower than a lengthy court battle. And even if it makes sense in your situation to hire an attorney, you'll still save a lot of money if you let your lawyer negotiate a fair settlement rather than go to trial.

6. Court Is Not All It's Cracked Up to Be

When things aren't going well in your divorce case, you might be tempted to halt negotiations and head to court. That's usually a mistake. Aside from the high cost of going to trial—which could deplete the very assets that you're fighting over—it can take a long time to get through a divorce trial. Especially when court calendars are full, the trial might extend over weeks or even months. And that's not even counting the motions and conferences and other procedural matters that come before the trial starts.

Also, you have a lot less control over the outcome of your case when you leave it up to a judge rather than hammer out a settlement. Judges are guided by the law, but they typically have a lot of leeway when deciding most issues in divorce. You and your attorney can never be sure how the judge in your case—a total stranger—will rule.

Given the cost, time, stress, and uncertainty of going to trial, it's no surprise that the vast majority of divorcing couples (over 90%, according to most studies) reach a settlement at some point in the process. If you and your spouse are having trouble agreeing about anything related to your divorce, it's a good idea to at least try mediation.

7. Be Honest With Your Spouse and Your Attorney

Most states require that divorcing spouses exchange financial disclosures or statements about all of their income, assets, and debts. This means that gathering all of that information will be one of the important steps in your preparation for divorce. Typically, you'll need to sign these disclosures under penalty of perjury and submit them to the court as well as to your spouse.

Courts take these requirements seriously. It's never a good idea to hide assets during your divorce. If it comes to light that you've knowingly left something out or included false information on the statement, you could face perjury charges or other serious penalties. In one California case, for example, a woman learned that she was going to receive $1.3 million in lottery winnings shortly before she filed for divorce. She never told her husband about the jackpot, didn't include the winnings on the financial declarations she filed in the divorce, and arranged to have the checks sent to her mother's address so her husband wouldn't see them. Her husband later found out about the jackpot and went back to court. Finding that the wife was guilty of fraud, the court awarded him all of the lottery winnings—not just half—under California law. (Cal. Fam. Code § 1101(h); In re Marriage of Rossi, 108 Cal.Rptr.2d 270 (Cal. Ct. App. 2001).)

If you have a divorce lawyer, you also must provide your attorney with all of the key facts and relevant information. Even if you think some piece of information could hurt you, your lawyer needs to know about it in order to give you the best representation possible under the circumstances. Besides, the truth may very well come out anyway—putting you in a worse position than if you were completely honest at the outset.

You don't necessarily have to provide all the details during your first meeting with a divorce attorney, but many lawyers will ask you to fill out a detailed client information sheet. The more complete and honest you are, the more the attorney will be able to evaluate your case properly and give you appropriate advice.

8. There Will Be a Lot of Paperwork

Along with all the financial disclosures (discussed above), you can expect to deal with a lot of paperwork in your divorce, from the initial divorce petition and response to the proposed divorce judgment or decree. If you have children, you'll need to complete worksheets for calculating child support.

If you hire a lawyer to represent you in the divorce, your attorney will handle the paperwork. But if you're taking the DIY route, you'll usually need to find the forms, fill them out, and follow all of the correct procedures for filing them with the court and serving your spouse with the copies. Or you could file for divorce online—using a relatively low-cost service that will provide you with the completed forms, based on your answers to a questionnaire.

9. Look at the Big Picture

Obsessing over all of your spouse's wrongdoings and faults will only prevent you from moving on with your life and making decisions that are best for you (and your kids). Try to focus on the future. Approach the divorce with a willingness to work with your spouse to achieve the best possible result for your family.

You might find yourself getting hung up on relatively insignificant matters, like fighting over a collection of objects that you'll end up taking to Goodwill in 10 years. Again, this could be because you can't let go of a past hurt. However, this approach will increase the time and money it takes to complete your divorce. Don't sweat the small stuff. Instead, try to be a "big-picture person." Make some concessions on minor issues, and you can spend more time on important matters, such as how much time you'll have with your children.

10. Have Reasonable Expectations

Sometimes, divorcing spouses have goals that are completely unreasonable or inconsistent with the law. If you want your divorce case resolved quickly, you need to understand how the law applies to your case and have a reasonable expectation about the outcome. You may want to consult with an experienced, local family law attorney to get a better understanding of how the law in your state applies to your case—and to learn how you can get the best outcome that's reasonable under the circumstances.